The compatibility

Mid-day musings

So, I have been talking to this girl for a while now. I think we first had a chat over the phone around late last year. A decent conversation. And then we stuck to iMessage for general day to day chats. It wasn’t that regular. I was in India, 5 ½ hours away and she was in Western Australia (she still is). Time zones didn’t match that well. I was also moving from one home to another, which means broadband connectivity restoration could take weeks. Anyways, amidst all that, we did get to know each other pretty okay I would say. We probably spoke over the phone about 2-3 times, mostly because I really wasn’t sure where I was heading. I was in India looking for a job and things were not going that well. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to head back to Australia at that time. She was quite clear that she wanted to live in Australia for a while (turns out she has a home loan to pay up. In that case, she bloody well be here!)

So we spoke or texted a lot about you know – history (what happened, what went wrong etc), then stuff like who’s in the family, how did you end up where you are right now, what does the future look like, other stuff like hobbies, movies etc. Again, all through this, I still wanted to be in India so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

Then I got back to Melbourne this year. Took me some time to find a job. We were still in touch after I got here. Had a couple of phone calls (the free local calls you see! Hahaha). Got on facetime once and had a chat.  I am still quite old school with certain things. I love my traditions, religion (although I don’t impose it or loudly practice it. I keep things to myself). And more than all that, I think I am still a hardcore South Indian inside (more a Madrasi). So we did talk about all that too.

And she says – “When we meet and if we both think that we are compatible, we can work this out”. She’s said this a few times before as well. I agree that we have to meet. That’s quite important.

What the hell is this compatibility really? Is it like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? When women say this, I kinda freak out a bit.

If I met a girl, face to face, just once, or even spent a whole day with just her, I just don’t think I’ll be able to tell if we are compatible or not. Just that one day would put me under such a difficult condition that either I would be completely in my element (which would be the best situation for me but maybe not the best outcome) or absolutely fake it (which I have been sort of accused of doing it and acting all charmy, intelligent, totally worth it types) or destroy it (by acting weird, more guarded, say stupid stuff – all this is possible. I have done that too)

Does she expect me to a Lannister on the streets and a wildling under the sheets?

According to me, there are many unknowns in life. Compatibility is like software testing for a product but you have already purchased a lifetime license. The product meets your minimum viable requirements but there is no guarantee that it will work to all your expectations. You cannot return the product so you should compromise and build a few workarounds around the product functionality if it doesn't match your requirements 100 percent.

Kaatru Veliyidai

There's one scene in the movie Kaatru Veliyidai where Dr.Nidhi and Dr.Illyaas are in conversation and it translates to "VC is all about VC". That's pretty much the centrepiece of this movie.

VC is an airforce pilot who only cares about what he wants to do in his life. He occupies higher ground and he is always looking down at you, even when he is in love. Every time he smiles, you can see he exudes pride and arrogance. He feels superior, compares himself to God, perhaps even mightier and says that he will kill. You know the term "airs and graces" (the affectation of superiority). That's the "Kaatru" in this movie.

Of course, when there is a movie about someone at the border, there has to be drills and war. With war comes capture and then the whole drama of planning to escape and doing it. Mani Ratnam brings back a bit of Roja here, but leaves the patriotism out for a bit and takes the journey of love. This entire sequence of VC being in Pakistan and escaping to India through Afghanistan introduces us to his life at a slow and steady pace.

Leela has heard enough about VC for years. She grew up listening to stories about this individual who is perhaps compared to a superhuman (in the eyes of her brother). She is besotted. The job in Kashmir is only a reason. 

We all say "opposites attract". This is not the storyline here. This is the story of a girl who is fascinated about a guy, gets to meet him in person and is faced with some serious questions, perhaps a reality check.

Leela is already in love. And VC is just getting started but like I said in the beginning, "VC only likes VC". We get many visions of this during the movie - the registrar office, the single malt challenge, Leela's opinion, pregnancy.. there's plenty. So he finds it difficult to isolate himself from himself. He is caught for his actions. Actions that would have been encouraged and found very normal among a group of alpha males.  

The dysfunctional family is a distraction. Yes, there is a bit of affirmation about VC's character when we get a glimpse of his family but its not important. And merged into that family sequence is a song with a wedding and a lot of colour powder which looked good on screen but made no sense. I haven't been to any wedding where one of the events is like Holi.

When two headstrong individuals meet, there's bound to be a bit of an explosion. VC is controlling but Leela stands her ground. And that's where Mani Ratnam excels. He brings out shades of his women characters from his previous works. He gives them space. He lets them fall madly in love but not lose self respect. Leela may look vulnerable but her displeasure at numerous instances shows that she cannot be taken lightly. Her disapproval of VC, choosing to stand by her decisions, and still being honestly in love with VC is what breaks VC.

Kaatru Veliyidai is not a Breezy Expanse (as suggested by Wikipedia). Its the air of superiority slowly leaving VC after numerous rough patches in his life and how he finds his feet on the ground. Its one man's journey through solitude to find his true calling - a submission to love.

Poem: The Runner

mornings or afternoons
opening that door
sitting across at a diagonal view
he sees her
imagining she did too
or maybe just imagining

large monitors
cover his gaze
past those walls
he wants to talk
shy as a butterfly
he just does not

she is away
in a new land
far far away
chasing her dream
running with passion

tired and jet lagged
sleepless and unsettled
she writes innocently
a 2am email
perhaps unusual
how he sees it

delighted he feels
dreaming the impossible
wishing it were
a reason beyond reason

nervous and impatient
he waits for hours
screen refresh
screen refresh
days and nights
with wishes not despair
another 2am moment
never does arrive

Sharon Andrea Serrao

The most beautiful girl from my MBA Class at ISB is no more. I just can't ******* believe this! She was only 33.

This happened a few days back and I haven't come to terms with it. I don't think I ever will. I will stay affected by this for my entire life. For me, this is just an unfair act of... well, I am not sure if I can use the word God here. Does God really exist? If he does, then what explanation can he or she give me? I am not expecting any philosophical thoughts saying - it was her time and there were other plans for her. That's just BS.

I met Sharon first in 2006. I wasn't very close to her and all that. We were just good friends. I remember sitting in the hall area of my apartment, looking out the window and seeing her get in and out of the student village. There was something about her presence. Maybe it was how tall she was and how she'd stand out among everyone else. Maybe it was how she conducted herself - very simple and genuine. 

I still remember, we used to call her "model" all the time we met her on campus. She'd blush a bit and hush our comments. She was pure awesome. When I recall stuff about her, I remember her birthday party in 2007. I was doing work for the yearbook and it was almost 2am when I got back from the publisher. She was still awake and in party mood. Most of them had retired. She was thrilled to see me drop in. It was a quiet few minutes well spent.

I didn't see Sharon after graduation or I don't clearly remember if I did any time later. We were only in touch through Facebook. A few years later, she invited me for her wedding. I couldn't go. I should have. I didn't meet her when I was in Dubai for WCBU. Time just passed by.

And one ******* day, she's gone! Her life has been taken off the earth just like that. I heard she was at work and she had a cardiac arrest. Absolutely unannounced.
Why did this have to happen? What wrong did her 10-month old son do? To have such an awesome person stripped of his life.

I am in real pain. Its bottled up so much within me. I was sitting at the Immigration Office in Melbourne when I kept getting messages and I wanted to burst out crying. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I am gonna have to let this out somewhere somehow. 

Someone I saw pretty much every day of my academic year at ISB is just not there. This is not about being healthy or fit or doing regular medical check-ups and not being stressed at work. All that is still not happening with many of my other friends - most of them are unhealthy, unfit and stressed AND they are ******* alive!

Sharon, you were such a lovely person. Actually, you still are a lovely person. The "were' doesn't apply to you. Just because someone irrational decided to pluck you out, doesn't mean that you don't exist for me. I think about you and I always keep hearing your voice, the way you say "dude". When I meet your son (whenever that is), I will definitely tell him about you. He will be loved by all of us.

Update - some comments said I used swear words. So I have put a * instead. This is not a eulogy.

Pick Your Wife Wisely: Not just your career but your life depends on it

So I saw this Huffington Post article being shared on Facebook titled - Pick your husband wisely: Your career depends on it

This post is my response to the article.

If you do not choose your wife wisely, then you will not just lose your career but also your life. This is my experience and I stand by my statement 100%

Choose someone who would support your career first. Do not go out of your way and support her career advancement. All this bullshit about women empowerment and "being there for her" will tell you to go f**k yourself when she decides to walk out of that door. And bear in mind, she will. Because you let her. You supported her all her decisions to have a great career. Even if it means that you need to let go of your own career. Your sacrifice means nothing. Because when she goes out, she doesn't see that you are behind waiting to see her succeed. She is comparing you with other powerful and influential men surrounding her in the corporate world and against them, you are a f**king lose because you decided to stay at home.

"Even if women are highly educated, they aren't allowed by in-laws and husbands to do any job outside the home. Women are graduating to get a good groom not a good job." If a woman is able to work, she must still shoulder the bulk of household responsibilities."

The above statement applies to a lower middle class and even lower class population. These people are mostly not on Facebook, Twitter and they definitely don't read Huffington Post.

No woman is graduating to get a good groom these days. She is graduating so that at some point if she wants to be independent from a groom, then she can very well be. The in-laws and the husbands don't have much say in these decisions. They've got to comply.

"A real partner is not just supportive of your career, but is happy to take on his fair share of household responsibilities so that you both can thrive."

Men, if you take a fair share of household responsibilities, then please ensure your partner also has a fair share. You don't want to be in a situation where your partner comes home and works for 2 more hours and then says "Let's order food" or "I cannot clean the house because I worked a lot during the week and I need my sleep or I need to shop instead"

"Before committing to another person you should know if you want a career or if you are more interested in [fitting] meaningful work around your family life."

I think this applies more to men these days.

And if she asks you things like "Would you support my career? If I had to move for my job, would you be willing to relocate the family?" Do not do this at your expense. I've had a personal experience in these exact questions and the results are not favorable at all. Men, please be a little selfish, and look at your life.

And men, please observe your women before you commit to them. If she is the person who gets up quite late and throws her legs up on the couch and reads the newspaper or checks her emails while you make your own cup of coffee, maybe she is not the one that could share responsibilities around the house.

The question "Would you support my career after we have kids?" is absolutely irrelevant these days. In my opinion, the men should be asking "Will we have any kids?"

Juice Cleanse Day Two and Three

The Day One post was written in a rush. Mostly because it was quite late and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Since the process is pretty much the same, I am compressing Day 2 and 3 into one post.

Juice cleanse is expensive. The 3-day cleanse costs about 200 AUD. Yes, it does burn a large hole in your pocket. So, its definitely not something that you should try often. If you look at the economics, it does make sense to some extent. 24 bottles of juices over 3 days for 200 AUD. That's a little more than 8 AUD per bottle. I think I can definitely pay 8 dollars for a juice bottle. Most smoothies around this city cost that much. This one is cold pressed and is absolutely healthy, full of essential nutrients. Nevertheless, drinking 8 dollar bottles 8 times a day is a little too much. Maybe once a year? I am not sure if I'll do another one. I'll think about it towards the end of 2016 or early 2017.

Day 2 is actually a breeze. Its twenty minutes past one and I am writing this piece. Four juices down and I can say that I am feeling much better now, than how I felt at the same time yesterday. And I am past the halfway mark. Its only downhill from here! There is still a mild disturbance on the top - like a mild headache but its bearable. Yesterday was tough! I had crazy thoughts. I curled up in my couch at 6 pm. I changed to warm clothes and I even wore a jacket! My body was a lot weak and I thought I was coming down with a fever. But it was just the energy levels causing havoc in the mind.

Day 2 Late Evening
Towards the end of Day 2, I was very hungry. I ended up having the dinner juice 7 around 6.45 pm. On Day 1, I had it around 8pm. So, by the time I was going to bed, I was hungry again. But I had to get through the night. I did it somehow. Pure mind game.

In two days, I haven't lost a lot of weight. I weighed myself yesterday and I was about a little more than a kilo less than my normal weight. I suspect, I'll put on that weight the moment I start on solid food. What I am more interested in is to find out how my body is going to react when I start eating normal food. I need to go back to that pamphlet provided by the company about easing back into normal food. Definitely cannot eat a burger on day one!

Day 3

I am sort of cruising now. Its the last day and I know I can eat something tomorrow morning! Hahaha. Yes, that's the biggest motivation to get through today. It will be close of business at work in another 2 hrs and then I just need to get through the evening. At that point in the evening, I reckon, it would be a walk in the park. Destination is right in front and all you need to do is just breathe and you'll get past. I am quite good at self control. There's plenty of chocolate, fruit and other eatables inside the refrigerator just next to the juices and I haven't had any temptation. Juice 6 is the worst tasting juice and during that time I am usually home. I have resisted other foods quite well over the last two days.

In general, my stomach has been very quiet, which I believe is awesome. When you eat solid food that as carbs, fat, fiber etc your body doesn't take it well every day. Some days are extremely windy. The last 3 days have been quiet and peaceful to be honest. I think its also a reminder of how much junk food we eat every day. By junk, I mean, food that is not absorbed efficiently by our body. On some days, even dark chocolate and low fat greek yogurt is not good for the body. So, we need to eat smart. Most importantly drink lots and lots of water, which I don't do. I think I drink just about 2 liters of water everyday and I think I need to step that up to 3.

Day 3 Close

Around afternoon, I started getting this pain in my lower back. I didn't know what was happening. The pain and discomfort only increased. I thought it was my sitting posture and I started stretching and foam rolling when I got back home from work. It didn't help. I tried to sleep and I could not. I rolled on my belly, right side, left side - none of that helped. I've never had lower back pain - even after crossfit. So this was a huge surprise. I thought it was because of lack of exercise and started activating my lower back. That didn't help as well. I used a PainMate device. This is a small TENS device that sends vibrations to your body when you are in pain. It gave me relief but not was not enough. It was almost 11pm and I had to go to sleep. So I gave in and took 2 tablets of Voltaren. Surprising how your mind plays when your body has pain. All this while it never struck me to go on the internet and read. Then lightning struck and I googled stuff about lower back pain and juice cleansing. Voila! there were tons of articles about that. Apparently your body is flushing out all the toxins from your system and that creates severe lower back pain. So that was quite common. I had no idea and I wish the person from store actually gave me some indication of that. 

Now, I only wish that the two Voltaren tablets did not reverse whatever I did in the last days!

Juice Cleanse Day One

I was always interested in what juice cleansing was all about. It started when I noticed a Pressed Juice store in Collins Street. I started reading about the cleanse program on their website. Further research led me to another company HomeJuice. They had a store in Melbourne as well. Two weeks back, I had the opportunity to go to a HomeJuice store in Docklands. I had a chat with the staff and I was sold into trying this. And then, I had to go over this massive planning effort to find the exact 3 day window to do the cleanse. I had to make sure that I finish all the food that I have and also work out stuff about crossfit and yoga (which by the way, I had to stop completely because of the cleanse).

I signed up for the advanced cleanse with Pressed Juices yesterday. Mostly because, they have a store that's easily accessible for me (on my way back home). I picked up my first batch of 8 juices yesterday.

My experiment of inflicting so many bottles of juices on my body began on the morning of 22nd Feb 2016. Instructions were to have a bottle of juice every 2-3 hrs.

Juice 1 was pink lemonade. I had the juice around 7am. I was quite fine. I usually don't have anything in the morning on a normal day. I get to office and have breakfast. So this was good.

Juice 2 was a Green juice. It was a little after 9am. The juice was thick and it was more like breakfast. I managed to get through that as well with very little difficulty.

Juice 3 was an Earth juice. This was perhaps the hardest. I was close to lunch time and I was craving solid food big time! I mean who doesn't eat solid food? I started feeling a bit uneasy. Also, the presence of breakfast cereals and muesli bars around my desk didn't help. So, I had to step outside and do a  bit of walking to keep myself distracted. I did that.

Juice 4 was another Green juice. This was not thick. It was 2pm and I was losing it. My head was aching a bit on the right side. I had earlier read articles mentioning that I would experience mild headaches. But I am still not sure if its the mind or body thats playing this game.

Juice 5 was Zest juice made from orange. By this time, it was 4pm. I generally leave around half past so the thought of leaving office kinda got into me and I was able to find that distraction. In between, I also talked to a few colleagues about the cleanse, just to keep myself motivated.

Juice 6 was another Green juice. I got home by this time. I also picked up the juice pack for the next day. Yes, they prefer you to collect the juice everyday as the shelf life for the juice is less than 2 days. Drink it fresh is the policy. When I finished juice 6, I was a bit tired. I watched some TV and I decided to take a 30min nap. I got up at 8pm.

It was time for Juice 7 - banana salted caramel. This is perhaps the best juice of the day. Its loaded with all the nuts and good stuff. Not that the previous juices are loaded with bad stuff. They have all the green stuff which doesn't appeal to the mind that much. I gulped down juice 7 and then decided if I have nothing else to do, then I might as well get more rest.

I went back to sleep again and got up in about 2 hours for Juice 8 - sour cherry. I finished that and had some time left before going back to bed again. So, I decided to write this quick post.

At this time, I feel better. The headache is still there but its not that bad. Its bearable. Yes, I feel tired. The fact that there is no solid food in my system freaks me. Getting that out of my mind is quite hard. Day One looks more like a mind game.

For the scientifically/biologically inclined, yes, I have pee'd a lot. One thing I noticed is that the pee is crystal clear, which is a huge change to other days when its usually coloured. So, we have one good sign. Two more days to go!

Click here to read about Day Two and Three

The 2016 zodiac

So, I was on the train heading home from a friends place. Sunday evening and Gavrilova had already taken the lead with 6-0. I was excited and impatient to get home. I found a seat and I found the day's Herald Sun stashed in the corner. I just decided to pick it up and read instead of gazing at people or blindly waiting for the train to pull up into the city station.

And I saw this section of the paper!

When I read that portion, I was simply stunned! I mean, the first line was like hitting the nail on the head. I don't really believe in zodiac predictions. To be honest, all this is written for a generic audience that ranges from a new-born to someone in a ventilator. I don't subscribe to a newspaper. Even if I subscribed, I wouldn't buy a paper that actually has a zodiac column.

"Expect a culmination" - that was spot on. As per the current timeline, this was expected to occur sometime this week or early next week.

About happier times - well its been happier times ever since Jan 2014. So, I guess this means there is going to be more happier times. I feel quite excited now. Haha.

And Love Life - I am really looking forward to that one. I am so over what happened in my life that now I feel very positive and ready to take that big next step. It still won't be rushed though. I will definitely take my time to decide. Also, now that I have some experience, I know what I don't want or what type or person could be a problem in my life.

Well, with that hope provided by a random zodiac columnist, I am starting 2016! I still need to write about the last month of 2015. I hope to find some time this week. Fingers crossed!

The Intern

Recently, I saw the movie THE INTERN. It was fantastic. The basic storyline is about how the young entrepreneurs of the digital economy need to appreciate the wisdom that comes from moving along with people from the manufacturing economy.

Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro play these roles with ease and are a pleasure to watch.

The point of my post is looking at Jules' personal life in the movie. Jules works in a high pressure environment. She has no time for her daughter and husband. She is swamped with work 24x7, taking calls at odd times and replying to emails at 2am. The husband, who was also very successful at a point, decided to take a step back and be a house-husband. He cares for the daughter, drops her at school and runs all errands around the house.

There comes a point in the movie where Jules' management capabilities are questioned and she is asked by her investors to find a new CEO. She does give in at some point and decides to appoint a new CEO. Very soon, the husband is shown as cheating on her with another woman. Then, Jules decides that she should definitely step back on her job and focus more on the family before its too late.

I know that the director had no choice but to introduce a scene like that to bring the movie to a close but it was so wrong. On one side, we have all these people complaining that women don't get the opportunities to grow in a male dominated corporate world. On the other side, we are shown these rubbish movie examples where a man is cheating. Seriously What The F!

People! Men aren't the only human beings who cheat! Women do it too. I wonder if there are popular movies where women cheat and the men get to find out. But then, you'll have to show men as vulnerable characters. A popular relationship researcher once said in her speech "people choose to leave a relationship these days only because they could be happier in another relationship". And this applies equally to both sexes.

When I take a step back in my career, I don't do it because I am not ambitious. I do it because I like to be supportive to someone who is slightly more ambitious than I am. That doesn't mean that I like to spend my late afternoons cheating on my partner with another parent who I met at school.

We complain all the time about not getting the right opportunity or life being unfair. When provided with those opportunities, we don't realise that we are simultaneously being fed with negative thoughts and examples that never lets us realise our dreams.

Heartbreak

Yesterday, I was watching a program on TV about heartbreak and that got me thinking if I ever had one? I think most of the times, I may have had something like a heartbreak but I immediately moved away from it and saw the positives in my life. I really didn't analyse the negatives too deeply. Sometimes, I do feel that my life is a closed book even to myself and I need to say something to find that clarity or whatever that may be.

So, this is a view into what heartbreak is.

Heartbreak is....

- When you wholeheartedly support her higher study and she says that she actually went to study because she wanted to figure out if she wanted to live with you or not

- When you take your dad to her graduation because he is also family and she asks, "why did you bring him?"

- When you find out that someone else sends her red roses on her birthday

- When she tells you that she is doing office work and you leave her alone but she is Skype chatting with someone else about your life

- When you give up your ambitions for her success and she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When you take time out to spend a one month holiday with her and attend her best friend's wedding; then she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When she walks out of that door without even looking back and you come back to an empty house and feel shattered that you've failed

Obviously, this is only one side of the story. Whoever spoke loud and first is not right. For all you know, I could still be an ass.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What makes you happy? Money? Love? New Job? New shoes?

I tried asking that question to myself and I still don't have a definite answer. I mean this at a meta-level. 

At a more day to day level, I am reasonably content (still not sure if I can say happy) about certain things in life - like having a job, having a good day at work (although that doesn't happen more than once a week), an exhausting workout at the box and having access to food and water as a bare minimum for existence.

If I am happy or content at a micro level, can I extrapolate that to my life in general and say that its probably what defines my life and can I just get away with that? Or is it necessary to have larger buckets that you need to fill in and find your happiness there?

Is happiness influenced by knowing whether people around you are happy or not?

My parents are not exactly happy. Atleast that's how they put it. For them happiness is - me not being alone. You know, the usual rants. I need to have a partner, and then kid(s). That's what means happiness to them. But does it really stop there? I mean, then the kids have to grow up and they need to find their footing in this world. Its almost like a vicious circle! A circle into which you will get sucked into.

Is making sure that your lineage is established, a main purpose of your life? Okay let's not go into the purpose of one's life in a lot of detail as that would be like revisiting the whole Bhagavad Gita and discussing karma.

What I find more questionable and unacceptable is trying to put a framework around a person's life and this happens most often in societies from India. You need to get good education. Not just good education but good grades as well. Then you need a good job. At the right time and god only knows what that means - you need to find a partner and then make sure you have kids. Your parents are never happy until all this happens. Some stop there while the others actually go on until your children start their life cycle through the above mentioned route.

What I find hard to understand is why this framework is considered the foundation of happiness by a large faction of the country. Or is it just me? Has the society in general, moved on?

I've had enough trouble in my life that nowadays doing nothing seems to be the most ideal thing. Having no agenda is my agenda.

Nick

Nick Langmaid is my colleague from work at Australia Post. I worked with him last year for over 3 months in 2014. A pretty busy and challenging project - we managed to get it over the line. Of course, there were plenty others working on it. We were just doing our bit.

That was my first project with Post. Nick had been a long timer at Post. He was literally the knowledge bank of all things financial systems. Any questions people had about payments and accounting entries - he had the answer. He knew every system, literally off the back of his palm. While working with Nick, he made sure that I got a strong understanding of how it all connected together. During that time, we also got to discuss about our passion for staying healthy by cycling to work.

In late October 2014, I moved to another project, another office. A few months later, my previous project manager at Post met me in the office and mentioned to me that Nick had a minor heart attack and he was in surgery or something. A month before that another manager in our project had also gone on medical leave to have a bypass done. I was actually joking to my manager that it was because of the stress he created on our project that people were having heart trouble. I told myself that someday in the future, I should go and say hello to Nick and just check about his health. After all, we did work together.

I guess you know by now where this is going. Today, I received an email from my manager that Nick passed away on his way to work in the morning. I was completely shocked. I just blurted out so many abusive words at work that people around me were wondering what was happening. I couldn't take it. I was pissed off with myself that I never took time to go and meet him. At one side I was angry and on another, I was depressed. I was almost in tears and I couldn't speak. I told myself that you can never predict what could go wrong with the heart. I decided to go and meet my manager who gave me the news.

I reached the other office and met him. He and his colleagues were shocked too. In fact, it was all of us together in that one previous project. In that conversation, my manager mentioned to me that it was a cycling related accident and not a heart attack. I immediately realised that I had read about a similar event in the morning. A cyclist was  knocked down by a truck in a place called Keilor East. No name was provided but the cyclist did not live. Now, I was even more stressed. 

Honestly, I did not expect Nick to leave the world this way. I am at a loss of words but this is cruel. I told myself - Only if I had taken that extra effort to say hello and enquire about his health.... I didn't. 

Its such a mad world and in many instances, we are just doing things that have no meaning in our life. Be it work that provides us salary to pay our bills or the monotonous activities to keep our life going, we are caught up in that ever engulfing web that makes us forget and only repent.

Today, I repent that I didn't meet Nick. I just didn't take the time out of my life. I could have easily done it and I should have but I never did. What would stay with me now is my remembrance of a Sean Connery look that Nick had and a deep voice.

I am a victim of my crime called life.

2014

I happened to do some clean-up activities of my life and then realised that this blog post had been sitting around in Draft mode for a very long time. I have gone through it once more and at this point, I cannot add anything more. So pressing the publish button was the only way forward.

What an eventful year. That's how everyone would sum up their year I guess. I'd like to just go ahead and put out a few events that I clearly remember about 2014. 

1. I started 2014 at a very low note. My so-called partner decided to call it quits around Sep 2013 and she moved out Jan 2014. So literally a brand new life started this year. There was more freedom and peace of mind. I was definitely happy.

2. I had entered this country as a dependent and I knew that I'd get thrown out if things were going to go the way they were. I wanted to live here and I promised myself that I will get that residency application started. The process began and it went through March all the way till September when I finally got my PR.

3. That epic trip to the USA in March. I spent a lot of time with my sister's kids. My parents were also there. It was one month of bliss. I also managed to meet a few of my engineering batch mates. A memory that would last for decades.

4. My deep dive into Crossfit began this year. I weighed my lowest and I looked sick during the first 3 months of the year. I swore after my US trip that I would focus on adding muscle weight. I trained harder, lifted heavier and went to the box 5-6 days a week for 6 months. I added almost 8kgs. Most of it was muscle. I felt fantastic.

5. Eventually, I reached my Crossfit goal. Well, not completely. At the beginning of the year, my coach asked me to write my goal. At that point I sucked at pull-ups and I did thrusters using just the barbell. I wrote that I would like to not use a resistance band to do pull ups and I would like to get 42.5kg barbell thrusters. Its almost the end of the year. I can easily do 7-10 pull ups at one go, with no requirement for bands. I can thrust 42.5kgs but I am not strong enough to use that in a workout.

6. My job sucked big time. I desperately wanted a change but there were too many things happening in my life that I could not concentrate on my job change. My company had some cash flow issues and was desperately looking to make money through third party contracts. Then came a 6 month contract in June. This was the door to what would become a new career in this country. I am extremely thankful to my boss who decided to put me on this contract. At the end of the contract, I was qualified enough to wade my way through this painful recruitment consultant based market and find myself a brand new opportunity.

7. The only year since 2007 that went by without a lot of frisbee. I played with my club for their open nationals campaign during the first few months of the year. After that I took a break. Over the years, frisbee had contributed to the problems I had with my life. Or you could also say that I used frisbee to hide under those problems that I never wanted to face. Either ways, I wasn't too happy with the outcome. The break only did good to me.

Haram

How would it be if certain moments from your life were captured and shown to you in a movie? In a way, I feel a lot more connected with the screenplay and the characters. Alternatively, this also makes me think - are these moments so mainstream that people want to make films about?

In two words, Haram is a Malayalam movie about Irreconcilable Differences. Isha is slightly devastated, or maybe that's a strong word, let's say disturbed. From a previous relationship that didn't go well. She works with a BPO in Bangalore. There is Balu as well, in the same office - not the hot guy who every girl in the office wants to go home with, but a slightly traditional, chilled out, peace-loving, and no-frills guy. Isha comes across as a fun-loving and bubbly personality on the outside; but eventually a mysterious character who has many deep layers that cannot be dissected.

The story revolves around Isha and Balu and other characters that happen to be around them or connected to them in some way. They meet, Isha finds in Balu a good friend, date a bit and get married. They move from Bangalore to Kerala and then soon after, Isha decides to file for divorce. Balu is puzzled as her reasons are - irreconcilable differences.

Balu doesn't want to quit and he wants to reason, even live, but there seems to be no hope and no specific answer. Balu is me. Perhaps, Balu is just like many other men out there? I don't have too many questions in my life. I face life as it comes to me. I don't go out of my way to seek any answers. I like the way I am - simple, grounded, happy and sometimes lucky! And Isha is a person who at times does not know what she wants. She is opportunistic when she finds comfort in Balu. She is friendly and warm but she is also weird. I am not too bothered to make deeper reflections.

A number of deep thoughts keep running through the reels of this movie.

• Promises are like babies, easy to make but very painful to deliver
• If you are happy where you are, why would you try and bring another person into your life and complicate your life

Haram definitely didn't do well at the box office. The film doesn't come with an entertainment formula. It is a figment of my life. It is a celebration of life. Of a life that is real and not reel. Of a life that says to me - if you sense emotional baggage, then run away from it!

 

Coldplay

So, I attended the Coldplay concert today at the Etihad Stadium in Docklands, Melbourne. I was new to the band. I had heard of them but hadn't heard their songs at all. I started listening only after I landed in Melbourne. Only a few of their songs registered in my mind and thankfully, they performed the ones I had heard a number of times (Paradise, Charlie Brown and Princess of China). The concert had some great pyrotechnics and the stadium was packed. It was a great experience but I never knew that it was going to be the experience I would never want to recollect again in my life.

Turns out that she also wanted to come to the concert. When the tickets came up for purchase, I asked many times and I got answers like "I may not be in town, so let's not buy". The first batch of tickets sold out. Then my friends who were attending the concert, asked us to buy. I looked up again. Tickets were available. I asked if I could buy. I got the same answer. Tickets were not cheap. 100 dollars each and I had no interest in buying a ticket and letting it go waste. I asked many many time before booking my ticket. I got the same response. So, I went ahead and booked my tickets; and by doing that I paved way for an atomic bomb to burst.

All the dialog about not wanting to spend more money, unsure of not being in town, Diwali and wanting to stay at home to prepare a sweet dish was all a big sham? In the bigger scheme of things, these were ideas that were planted in my mind to try and create a deviation so as to see if I steered back and said "its okay, I want you to be there with me". Obviously, it had no impact. Rather, I had no idea. Its like the Melbourne weather. It could rain, hail, shine and be windy on the same day. What would you do? Not listen to anyone and just walk like its a normal day.

I could have surprised her, she says. But why? Why should I surprise? Didn't I ask whether I can buy tickets? Didn't I plan for it in advance? During all those times, I never got an answer that told me - go and buy it. It was always signals to not buy.

I just don't get it. Why can't things be straight and simple in life. Why are women so complicated? If you want to go, then why don't you just say it?

I can't handle surprises. In fact, I am the last one who could think of anything of that sort. My rules in life are very simple. There is no instinct. Its rule driven and basic yes or no. I cannot work with something that is lying on the back of the mind and infer the same. It simply doesn't work that way for me.

So today's concert has gone down in my books as one of those days that will come back and haunt me forever. Every time I listen to a Coldplay song or someone talk to me about the band, I am going to have a nasty time.

And the husbands who book surprise holidays for your wives - if I see you anywhere, I am going to kick you in the nuts.

Poem: The Untold

silent dinners
late nite walks
lake side views
lying under the stars


deep dark lines
shaping her eyes
without a word amidst
the fish smiles


lost in her
in the untold
he revels
silence still prevails


lips dont move
with words waiting
she knows
he knows


a strange feeling
yes its a feeling
only the beginning
it has a fragrance


fragrance not known
not to anyone
just the two


brings a breeze
lends a voice
never stays quiet
never stays hidden
still remains untold
the secret of life
the secret of love

The Wake Up Alarm

So what's the purpose of having an alarm?

Well, the intention is to get up at the set time.

As long as that is clear, I guess we are okay.
Then why press the snooze button for the next one hour? Might as well, set the alarm to ring after one hour? Doesnt that make more sense?

Actually it truly does, but who wants to buy logic.

Its an Alarm! For you, it may sound like birds chirping inside the room trying to wake you up. For the other person who doesnt want to get up, its a damn alarm and when it rings for 12 times in the next one hour, its definitely annoying. Aint it?

I really wonder if the mind works like clock-work. Every five minutes, find that snooze button, press it and then get back to routine.

So you dont like me keeping an alarm to get up? I wont keep an alarm at all ever.

With this, I am trying to start the regular updates on my blog. Hopefully, interesting events would trigger and that would give a chance for coverage and representation.

Blank

It was food poisoning I thought. I was feeling weird on Monday evening. Went to bed without taking any medicines. On tuesday morning, I had fever. Decided to take it light and had medicines. The fever was under control but I had to go to the doctor in the evening.

Wednesday was spent pretty much in heavy doses of paracetamol. The doctor did not give me any antibiotics because he thought it was just fever.

I got up on around 3am on Thursday. Entered the bathroom and locked the door.

I am lying on the bathroom floor. I am trying to open my eyes, but I am finding it difficult. My head is spinning and there is a feeling that I have been struck by a huge club. I felt like I was falling into an abyss. Heavy noises in my mind and I am going crazy but unable to do anything. Breathing had become extremely difficult and I was nauseous. I still hadn't figured out what had happened. There was a conflict between what I wanted to do - which was, get up on my legs somehow; and what was actually happening to me. One part of my brain was telling me to get up but there was an overpowering force that was just putting me down. I just couldnt think at all.

Seconds after I locked the bathroom door, I had fallen unconscious. And then somehow by God's grace, I regained consciousness.

I am lying face down. I try to push myself up, but I still cannot do anything. I try and hold the water pipe but that does not help. There is pain all over the body. I turn myself around a bit but the spinning never stops. I still cant see anything around me clearly. I start shouting. My dad is woken up and he rushes, but he cannot help. I have locked the door. He is communicating to me and I am able to hear. Cant do much. My body is still failing me. I push myself a little bit towards the door. I am trying to reach the latch but I cant. I try harder and my hands reach the latch but I still cant push it. It was such a difficult moment for me. Almost like escaping from the clutches of a demon. That instance, I almost gave up. There was absolutely no energy left. Few seconds. I tried to reach that latch again. This time I managed to push it. My dad opened the door and dragged me out.

The sweat was gushing out of my body. My body was COLD. I could feel it. There was no strength to do anything.

From then on, it took almost 3 hrs to get back to normal. And 2 bottles of glucose drips.

Now, this is not the best way to start blogging after a break, but certainly is a shocking start. Hoping to get back to normal soon.

Scared?

An afternoon in LA. A car is speeding. At 110 miles per hour, down a road, that I am not sure of. There is not much information as to who is driving the car.

The cops have begun the chase. There are 4 cars following. The speeding car slows down to normal speed. The cops are still behind. Now, there are two helicopters that are part of the operation as well. The cops wait to see what's happening. The car takes off again for some more distance. This keeps happening for a while. Atleast 15 minutes. The cops stay, way behind the speeding car. No one is taking any action.

The speeding car comes to a stop. Its a lady inside. Looked like a more than middle-age woman. She couldn't even get out. The cops were still behind with their guns. They never came close. Very Very slowly, they came closer and then took her into custody.

Watching all this, live, on TV, I was wondering.

It takes so much time for cops with a lot of advanced technology and equipment to stop someone?

4 cars and 2 helicopters to catch an old woman on the car?

Wasn't that such a big waste of time and resources?

And why did they have to be so careful before trying to just nail that person down?

The day it happened was September 11. All over the country, everyone is cautious about crime happening on that day. They fear anything could happen. Anything unusual and everyone is on the alert.

The other thing I realised is the level of freedom that this country has given its people which is now turning against the same people. Anyone can get a license to buy a weapon - that can range from a small pistol to almost a shot gun. The cops who were chasing the car were, I dont know, maybe afraid or over-cautious, of the woman in the car. What if the woman just pulled out a gun and opened fire? Or if she had something else lethal?

The only point I can get out of seeing all this around me - The country wants its people to be free enough to do what they want to do. So they allow them to do anything and everything. Ok, not to the extent of building nuclear arms but something way lesser. And then they build their laws around what they can allow people to do. And when they do that, the law backfires. People start taking the law into their advantage and dont bother about the protectors. And that's exactly the reason why this place seems to be such an insecure society.

No one knows what his neighbour is doing. Its not his business, the neighbor could be doing a lot of scary things under the basement, but they dont care. One day it errupts like an uncontrollable volcano and then they wake up.

Agreed that they have enough control points. They track everything about you, but does that really help?

Crash Boom Bang

On Tuesday night I left home a little before 10pm towards Anna Nagar. I was on 2nd Avenue, which is one of the main roads towards the city.
It was past 10pm when I was half-way on that road. The lights had gone Amber and almost everyone on the road was riding at a more than average speed. As I was coming close to the junction near the Ayyappan Temple, a car suddenly came into the main road from the right side, out of nowhere.

That was it.

In seconds, I braked as hard as possible. My car turned and then it was the bang sound I heard. The right side of my car collided directly with the left portion of the Maruti A-Star. Nothing had happened to me. I got out immediately and went to the other car. A woman was riding the other car. I checked if she was ok. She was. By that time, a huge crowd gathered. Luckily both of us did not have any injuries. My car was badly hit. The plastic bumper on the front gave in and had a huge hole. The bonnet was bent. I figured out that it was a major accident for my car. But luckily, my car was mobile. So I managed to drive it away from the spot to a place that did not affect the usual road traffic.

The Maruti A-Star was in quite a shape. The whole wheel assembly was bent. The car could not move. We had to lift the car somehow and move the wheels to a stable position before moving the car to the edge of the road.

Since, it was not peak time, there weren't too many of these unwanted interferers on the road. Most people who came to help were reasonably educated and they did not cause any trouble. Also, I kind of took charge of the whole situation and then ensured that I will manage anything going forward.

What followed afterwards for almost 3 hrs was what irritated me. By this time, my cousin and uncle reached the place. We wanted to call the police and let them know about the incident because the insurance agents usually ask for a report. The woman's family did not want to do it. I really didnt know why. They were telling that we could just leave and create individual reports from the police station. After some time, they agreed. But they wanted to write a report mentioning that the dad was riding the car and not the woman. We were wondering if there was anything fishy. We didnt care. We just said No.

Then the police came. He talked to both parties and then he told me - "the fault is on you. since she has almost come into the road, you should have stopped". I was like, "do you know what the rules are?" the fact of the matter was, the woman was crossing a main road after 10pm without even looking at whether vehicles were approaching from both sides and then I get the blame. my uncle got furious and he started blasting the police. he told them that they had no idea of the rules and they were just talking some random shit. and he was right. the guy on the main road gets the right of the road. anyone crossing has to wait, in fact, to be safe especially when the signals dont work, also flash both the indicators to show that you are crossing to the road straight across. the maruti was only 6 months old. so i got a feeling that the woman was probably inexperienced; these guys were just supporting the woman and trying to frame the case on me. or maybe they wanted to extract money.

then it was finally decided to get a police report about the collision. the report would just state the facts and it would not be any kind of complaint. by the time we did this, it was almost half past midnight.

now the other horrendous formalities have begun. estimation, insurance claims, verification etc. each one has an SLA. i went to the insurance office today and then i asked him when i should show up tomorrow. that guy says - "come after 11am". thats probably when his day starts.

anyway, the way i look at it now, it seems as if i am going to be seriously immobile for atleast a week. hopefully not more than that.

my relatives tell me - "thalaikku vanthathu thalappa oda pocchu" which means "something was targetted at the head and luckily escaped by taking only the turban"