The compatibility

Mid-day musings

So, I have been talking to this girl for a while now. I think we first had a chat over the phone around late last year. A decent conversation. And then we stuck to iMessage for general day to day chats. It wasn’t that regular. I was in India, 5 ½ hours away and she was in Western Australia (she still is). Time zones didn’t match that well. I was also moving from one home to another, which means broadband connectivity restoration could take weeks. Anyways, amidst all that, we did get to know each other pretty okay I would say. We probably spoke over the phone about 2-3 times, mostly because I really wasn’t sure where I was heading. I was in India looking for a job and things were not going that well. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to head back to Australia at that time. She was quite clear that she wanted to live in Australia for a while (turns out she has a home loan to pay up. In that case, she bloody well be here!)

So we spoke or texted a lot about you know – history (what happened, what went wrong etc), then stuff like who’s in the family, how did you end up where you are right now, what does the future look like, other stuff like hobbies, movies etc. Again, all through this, I still wanted to be in India so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

Then I got back to Melbourne this year. Took me some time to find a job. We were still in touch after I got here. Had a couple of phone calls (the free local calls you see! Hahaha). Got on facetime once and had a chat.  I am still quite old school with certain things. I love my traditions, religion (although I don’t impose it or loudly practice it. I keep things to myself). And more than all that, I think I am still a hardcore South Indian inside (more a Madrasi). So we did talk about all that too.

And she says – “When we meet and if we both think that we are compatible, we can work this out”. She’s said this a few times before as well. I agree that we have to meet. That’s quite important.

What the hell is this compatibility really? Is it like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? When women say this, I kinda freak out a bit.

If I met a girl, face to face, just once, or even spent a whole day with just her, I just don’t think I’ll be able to tell if we are compatible or not. Just that one day would put me under such a difficult condition that either I would be completely in my element (which would be the best situation for me but maybe not the best outcome) or absolutely fake it (which I have been sort of accused of doing it and acting all charmy, intelligent, totally worth it types) or destroy it (by acting weird, more guarded, say stupid stuff – all this is possible. I have done that too)

Does she expect me to a Lannister on the streets and a wildling under the sheets?

According to me, there are many unknowns in life. Compatibility is like software testing for a product but you have already purchased a lifetime license. The product meets your minimum viable requirements but there is no guarantee that it will work to all your expectations. You cannot return the product so you should compromise and build a few workarounds around the product functionality if it doesn't match your requirements 100 percent.

The Middle Class

She wakes up. Starts cooking and in parallel, dresses up her son for school. Off he goes. She packs a box of lunch for her husband while he gets ready for work. She hears him complain that he is getting late. That's "ALL" she hears from him. Then she goes to work. They get home in the evening. She makes dinner. They all eat and go to bed. He is in the mood. So he has sex. She doesn't seem to enjoy it. She is aware that their son who is sleeping less than two feet from them might wake up and you know what next. But he continues to arrive.

Its their middle class life. She goes to work and he goes to work. That's what they all do. A one bedroom apartment with very minimal privacy has its own boundaries but he is not bothered. He just wants it. He gets it. He gets it every day. He doesn't care about what she wants. That's how he imagined life should be.

One evening, his phone rings. An unknown caller. She questions. He brushes it off. She realizes. He is cheating on her.

She wants to give it back. She decides to cheat.

In between, there is also a reference to the great poet Bharathiyar and his thoughts on women. On how he wanted women to be what they want to be; on how they should carve a path for themselves and not be dependent on a man; on empowering women.

This was a short film. When I finished seeing this, I had many thoughts going on in my mind.

What makes a marriage work? Is it equally distributed commitment from two people? In the case of an imbalance, is it okay for one person to give more?

Deception or infidelity is just wrong. Doesn't matter who. If he does it, does it mean that she has the right to retaliate and do something similar? How does that work?

What if 'she' gets a call from an unknown caller? Let's say we let Bharathiyar's dream version of women to choose what they want to do, and let them find romance outside of their relationship. What if he finds out, but he doesn't think that he needs to take revenge. How does that play out?

We are a high class society who have enough problems at our own class, where women are slightly ahead of the men in these familial circumstances. And we dramatize/empathize about middle class and low class.

Heartbreak

Yesterday, I was watching a program on TV about heartbreak and that got me thinking if I ever had one? I think most of the times, I may have had something like a heartbreak but I immediately moved away from it and saw the positives in my life. I really didn't analyse the negatives too deeply. Sometimes, I do feel that my life is a closed book even to myself and I need to say something to find that clarity or whatever that may be.

So, this is a view into what heartbreak is.

Heartbreak is....

- When you wholeheartedly support her higher study and she says that she actually went to study because she wanted to figure out if she wanted to live with you or not

- When you take your dad to her graduation because he is also family and she asks, "why did you bring him?"

- When you find out that someone else sends her red roses on her birthday

- When she tells you that she is doing office work and you leave her alone but she is Skype chatting with someone else about your life

- When you give up your ambitions for her success and she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When you take time out to spend a one month holiday with her and attend her best friend's wedding; then she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When she walks out of that door without even looking back and you come back to an empty house and feel shattered that you've failed

Obviously, this is only one side of the story. Whoever spoke loud and first is not right. For all you know, I could still be an ass.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What makes you happy? Money? Love? New Job? New shoes?

I tried asking that question to myself and I still don't have a definite answer. I mean this at a meta-level. 

At a more day to day level, I am reasonably content (still not sure if I can say happy) about certain things in life - like having a job, having a good day at work (although that doesn't happen more than once a week), an exhausting workout at the box and having access to food and water as a bare minimum for existence.

If I am happy or content at a micro level, can I extrapolate that to my life in general and say that its probably what defines my life and can I just get away with that? Or is it necessary to have larger buckets that you need to fill in and find your happiness there?

Is happiness influenced by knowing whether people around you are happy or not?

My parents are not exactly happy. Atleast that's how they put it. For them happiness is - me not being alone. You know, the usual rants. I need to have a partner, and then kid(s). That's what means happiness to them. But does it really stop there? I mean, then the kids have to grow up and they need to find their footing in this world. Its almost like a vicious circle! A circle into which you will get sucked into.

Is making sure that your lineage is established, a main purpose of your life? Okay let's not go into the purpose of one's life in a lot of detail as that would be like revisiting the whole Bhagavad Gita and discussing karma.

What I find more questionable and unacceptable is trying to put a framework around a person's life and this happens most often in societies from India. You need to get good education. Not just good education but good grades as well. Then you need a good job. At the right time and god only knows what that means - you need to find a partner and then make sure you have kids. Your parents are never happy until all this happens. Some stop there while the others actually go on until your children start their life cycle through the above mentioned route.

What I find hard to understand is why this framework is considered the foundation of happiness by a large faction of the country. Or is it just me? Has the society in general, moved on?

I've had enough trouble in my life that nowadays doing nothing seems to be the most ideal thing. Having no agenda is my agenda.

2014

I happened to do some clean-up activities of my life and then realised that this blog post had been sitting around in Draft mode for a very long time. I have gone through it once more and at this point, I cannot add anything more. So pressing the publish button was the only way forward.

What an eventful year. That's how everyone would sum up their year I guess. I'd like to just go ahead and put out a few events that I clearly remember about 2014. 

1. I started 2014 at a very low note. My so-called partner decided to call it quits around Sep 2013 and she moved out Jan 2014. So literally a brand new life started this year. There was more freedom and peace of mind. I was definitely happy.

2. I had entered this country as a dependent and I knew that I'd get thrown out if things were going to go the way they were. I wanted to live here and I promised myself that I will get that residency application started. The process began and it went through March all the way till September when I finally got my PR.

3. That epic trip to the USA in March. I spent a lot of time with my sister's kids. My parents were also there. It was one month of bliss. I also managed to meet a few of my engineering batch mates. A memory that would last for decades.

4. My deep dive into Crossfit began this year. I weighed my lowest and I looked sick during the first 3 months of the year. I swore after my US trip that I would focus on adding muscle weight. I trained harder, lifted heavier and went to the box 5-6 days a week for 6 months. I added almost 8kgs. Most of it was muscle. I felt fantastic.

5. Eventually, I reached my Crossfit goal. Well, not completely. At the beginning of the year, my coach asked me to write my goal. At that point I sucked at pull-ups and I did thrusters using just the barbell. I wrote that I would like to not use a resistance band to do pull ups and I would like to get 42.5kg barbell thrusters. Its almost the end of the year. I can easily do 7-10 pull ups at one go, with no requirement for bands. I can thrust 42.5kgs but I am not strong enough to use that in a workout.

6. My job sucked big time. I desperately wanted a change but there were too many things happening in my life that I could not concentrate on my job change. My company had some cash flow issues and was desperately looking to make money through third party contracts. Then came a 6 month contract in June. This was the door to what would become a new career in this country. I am extremely thankful to my boss who decided to put me on this contract. At the end of the contract, I was qualified enough to wade my way through this painful recruitment consultant based market and find myself a brand new opportunity.

7. The only year since 2007 that went by without a lot of frisbee. I played with my club for their open nationals campaign during the first few months of the year. After that I took a break. Over the years, frisbee had contributed to the problems I had with my life. Or you could also say that I used frisbee to hide under those problems that I never wanted to face. Either ways, I wasn't too happy with the outcome. The break only did good to me.

The Wake Up Alarm

So what's the purpose of having an alarm?

Well, the intention is to get up at the set time.

As long as that is clear, I guess we are okay.
Then why press the snooze button for the next one hour? Might as well, set the alarm to ring after one hour? Doesnt that make more sense?

Actually it truly does, but who wants to buy logic.

Its an Alarm! For you, it may sound like birds chirping inside the room trying to wake you up. For the other person who doesnt want to get up, its a damn alarm and when it rings for 12 times in the next one hour, its definitely annoying. Aint it?

I really wonder if the mind works like clock-work. Every five minutes, find that snooze button, press it and then get back to routine.

So you dont like me keeping an alarm to get up? I wont keep an alarm at all ever.

With this, I am trying to start the regular updates on my blog. Hopefully, interesting events would trigger and that would give a chance for coverage and representation.

The Wedding Photos

FROM MY D80

FLASH VERSION



HTML VERSION

The Wedding

Poem: Her favorite steel tumbler

she woke up
morning birds her alarm
this sunday
was no different

nowadays she was
used to the rhythm

prepare
deck up
new batch arrives
stand straight
genuflect
sit gentle
sing devotional
serve coffee and snacks
listen to elders jabbering
ancestral connections

nothing made sense
hot and bothered
acted with obedience
she held her emotions tight
never spoke an extra word
in her own territory

the hand had moved
a few degrees south
in some time she thought
life will be normal

with anger and hatred
she looked
at the kitchen sink
tumbler and plates
put to wash

for,
the seventeenth time
a stranger's lips had
left
another dirty mark on her
favorite steel tumbler

Invitation Fiasco

I suppose, the idea of a perfect wedding never works that well with the men.

So I spent like one or two weeks deciding how to send an engagement invitation to my friends - BCC them on an email or send them a prepared invitation from an external site. There was a need to know the numbers, so the best way was to get people to reply on a page that was available from a site. I started searching on the internet. Narrowed down a few sites, created login ids on all those sites and also got a few templates shortlisted.

As this needs suggestions and validations from you know who, I spent considerable amount of time on chat, discussing what needs to be done. My initial research was well appreciated. Then, she rejected two top priority sites of mine and came up with another site that she had seen. Later, she told me that all the templates that were available on the sites I suggested were hopeless. So she spent some time creating a new template. It came out really well. We spent a few days making some final changes. It was good to go.

She had decided how she wanted to send the invitation. She did that. In fact, she sent me a test invitation as well to see whether everything worked fine. Field Engineer's mind works with precision. Like everything you do on the rig is important as the operating cost is extremely high, same principles worked with the invitations. Extra care and attention was given.

I took extra time and finally realized that it was high time to send the email out. Last minute pressures. I created an account in a site that I liked (actually it was the one she had used. you know how easy it is to copy-paste) and started preparing the invite. While adding email ids to the address list, I did an overconfident import from my gmail account and 1500 plus email ids were added to the address list. Until then it was okay.

Something funny happened. I was on some screen on that website and then I saw a button which said "PREVIEW and SEND". I clicked that and then it started showing me an hour glass button on the screen. For about 10 seconds I didnt know what was happening. Suddenly it struck me. I knew something was going wrong and then I pressed the "CANCEL" button on the page.

By that time, the deed was almost done. The system had already started sending emails to my friends. Worst, it sent emails to some yahoo and google groups that I had subscribed to, as well.

Sometimes its typical IT Industry mentality. Do something called development and send it. When it bombs, we will do maintenance and support. And thats exactly what I have been doing. I have no clue as to how many people have got this invitation email. Every reply is like a support call now. I am answering back with thanks and letting them know about the incomplete invitation. I hope I dont spend the whole of tomorrow doing this.

What a fiasco !!!!
Enna Kodumai Saravanan Ithu

Announcement

- More than 5000 profile hits in the Tamil matrimony website and a hole in my pocket because of the registration charges.

- Advertisements in the official Palghat Iyers matrimony publication for consecutive months.

- A ream of JK White copier paper wasted in printing out horoscopes of prospects and letters to parents across the country.

- Visits to the family astrologer's house every now and then to see which ones match. Discussions to find why it matches on the girl's side and not on ours.

- Seeking opinions from a third party astrologer - just to cross check. What if our own astrologer skipped a chapter while learning the theory behind the whole matching technique.

- Travel Expenses to meet the person for the first time, then meet again. And then repeating this again for more sample sets.

- Visits to new new temples every month. Applications to a new god every now and then. 40 rounds at one place. 17 at the other. Special ritual at the third. New prayer to be told 137 times every morning for 39 days.

- Trying to make implausible explanations to my parents and relatives about my expectations and being totally unsuccessful at it.

- Being in a completely fuddled state of mind about what i want in my life.

- Listening to questions ("when are you going to get married", "what is wrong with her" - i think i have heard these a zillion times) and opinions from anybody under the sun.

- Troubling parents beyond the point of resistance and control; leading to emotional drama and blackmail.

- Fights with folks at home about maintaining a good profile picture on the matrimony website.

- Answering weird questions from parents who call regarding an alliance

- Participating with friends in discussion forums about male-female ratios in the Palghat community.

Oh what a year it was!



Brothers, Sisters, Friends and everyone else,

I am done with all this now. I am off the singles list, preparing to start a memorable journey.

The dates have not been finalized. The wedding is planned around Q1 next year. Anyway, I'll let you know.

He Says She Says

She: Honey, can you trim my toe nail. I seem to have some difficulty to bend.

He: Do you know the reason Honey! its only because of saturated fat.

She: ##$$ OFF

Cornered

So I was at a family wedding. Something funny had to happen. And so it began.

Relatives will be called R1, R2 etc. Otherwise its too difficult. My mom's extended family was almost 100+ strong during the wedding. Rather complicated.

The scene is the evening Engagement and Sangeeth. And everyone is ready to pose in front of my new companion - the D80.

Amidst all that noise...



R1: Hey, did you see that girl? (Immediately cautioning me) Now don't turn around and look behind. She is wearing a white salwar and sitting on the second row from the dais. It seems her dad is totally ready to... (i am pretending that i did not hear this part).. so what do you say?

Me: (Not very convinced with the argument and also not knowing what to say). Is it?

I turned around and looked at the girl.

Me: Oh, this one eh. This topic (girl i meant) came up some time back also and I didn't want to pursue it.

R1: Why?

Me:(In my mind - its so easy to ask questions. You know how difficult it is to give an explanation for a NO) I really don't know but I don't think I want to get married to her.

R1: I think she is really pretty and she will be the best person for our family. She looks just right. What more do you need? I don't think you'll get a better person that her.

(Judgment was made now. I was losing it. But I told myself - this is just another stage. I just need to comfortably get myself out of this nonsense)

Me: No, if this is getting to where I am guessing it will, I will not be here for the wedding tomorrow. I will not come back tomorrow morning.

R1 goes to a group where R2 to Rn are sitting. The topic has been introduced to everyone now. So all eyes are in one direction. I am trying to keep myself away from talking to any other person.

R2: Why, what's wrong?

Me: I don't feel like it.

R2: Then what kind of a girl would you marry?

Me: (Not wanting to sing "Oru Ooril Azhage" from the movie "Kaakha Kaakha") Well, when I get married to that someone, I'll let you know and you can find out.

R3:(who was standing behind R2 and watching in silence) Oh, so you want the bells to ring as an indication? (referring to the Tamil movie "Mozhi" )

Me:(totally embarrassed) Maybe, I really need the bell to ring.

R1 calls R4 who has been running around and meeting everyone at the hall.

R1(explains everything to R4): So what do you say?

R4: She is ok. Can't say anything wrong about her.

Me: Well, I don't want people who you find to be just "ok" nor people with whom you can find any fault, so you judge them as just the right person.

R5: What's happening here?

Then R5 gets a dump of whatever happened till now. R5 takes a quick look and then..

R5: Hmm... she is ok but I wouldn't recommend.

Me: (feeling happy that I was not getting cornered) Now that's what I call a real savior.