The frustration of being a single Indian in Australia

Couldn't shorten the title. That's exactly my thought today. I have no idea what I am doing in my life. Yes, being single sucks especially after being in a relationship for a very long time.

Being a brown fish in a white pond sucks. The brown female fish from your own country don't want to consider you. These fishes are mostly from north. So they don't prefer the fish from the south. Thanks to the great cultural divide in India. Its quite prevalent thousands of miles across here in Australia.

The brown female fish want to meet the white male fish here. The white female fish also want to meet the white male fish, which essentially means that the brown male fish are fucked. That's my situation. The probability of rejection is extremely high.

Meeting someone at work these days is simply out of question. First of all there are hardly any and then the next point that you are being judged by the colour of your skin. If you found someone and talked to them (don't even think of flirting), you should remember that you are secretly being watched by many other people around you. Workplace ethics and gender harassment issues are enough to get you out of work or into jail. If that happens, what you need to understand is you may not get work anywhere else again. This much is enough to scare the living daylights out of you. You'd rather keep your job than being known for making passes at your women colleagues.

Meeting someone at your local gym is also complicated. First problem is the awkward conversation which is very hard to make. You'd think they like you because they are friendly but they are really just being friendly. That's their nature. Just because they talk to you doesn't mean they'd go out on a date with you. And if you muster up the courage to ask them and they say no, you go into rejection phase. Then it becomes so hard to even go back to the gym. You know - the feeling of "she said no and hence we cannot be at the same class because its embarrassing or silly?". You so wish you'd just remained friends. Atleast you could continue talking.

Beyond this, one would say that you could meet people at clubs, bars and the likes. But I don't drink and I don't like to spend late nights outside. 

What a wretched life this is. Why is meeting someone so hard? Actually, why is it so hard for a brown fish?

The Intern

Recently, I saw the movie THE INTERN. It was fantastic. The basic storyline is about how the young entrepreneurs of the digital economy need to appreciate the wisdom that comes from moving along with people from the manufacturing economy.

Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro play these roles with ease and are a pleasure to watch.

The point of my post is looking at Jules' personal life in the movie. Jules works in a high pressure environment. She has no time for her daughter and husband. She is swamped with work 24x7, taking calls at odd times and replying to emails at 2am. The husband, who was also very successful at a point, decided to take a step back and be a house-husband. He cares for the daughter, drops her at school and runs all errands around the house.

There comes a point in the movie where Jules' management capabilities are questioned and she is asked by her investors to find a new CEO. She does give in at some point and decides to appoint a new CEO. Very soon, the husband is shown as cheating on her with another woman. Then, Jules decides that she should definitely step back on her job and focus more on the family before its too late.

I know that the director had no choice but to introduce a scene like that to bring the movie to a close but it was so wrong. On one side, we have all these people complaining that women don't get the opportunities to grow in a male dominated corporate world. On the other side, we are shown these rubbish movie examples where a man is cheating. Seriously What The F!

People! Men aren't the only human beings who cheat! Women do it too. I wonder if there are popular movies where women cheat and the men get to find out. But then, you'll have to show men as vulnerable characters. A popular relationship researcher once said in her speech "people choose to leave a relationship these days only because they could be happier in another relationship". And this applies equally to both sexes.

When I take a step back in my career, I don't do it because I am not ambitious. I do it because I like to be supportive to someone who is slightly more ambitious than I am. That doesn't mean that I like to spend my late afternoons cheating on my partner with another parent who I met at school.

We complain all the time about not getting the right opportunity or life being unfair. When provided with those opportunities, we don't realise that we are simultaneously being fed with negative thoughts and examples that never lets us realise our dreams.

Heartbreak

Yesterday, I was watching a program on TV about heartbreak and that got me thinking if I ever had one? I think most of the times, I may have had something like a heartbreak but I immediately moved away from it and saw the positives in my life. I really didn't analyse the negatives too deeply. Sometimes, I do feel that my life is a closed book even to myself and I need to say something to find that clarity or whatever that may be.

So, this is a view into what heartbreak is.

Heartbreak is....

- When you wholeheartedly support her higher study and she says that she actually went to study because she wanted to figure out if she wanted to live with you or not

- When you take your dad to her graduation because he is also family and she asks, "why did you bring him?"

- When you find out that someone else sends her red roses on her birthday

- When she tells you that she is doing office work and you leave her alone but she is Skype chatting with someone else about your life

- When you give up your ambitions for her success and she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When you take time out to spend a one month holiday with her and attend her best friend's wedding; then she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When she walks out of that door without even looking back and you come back to an empty house and feel shattered that you've failed

Obviously, this is only one side of the story. Whoever spoke loud and first is not right. For all you know, I could still be an ass.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What makes you happy? Money? Love? New Job? New shoes?

I tried asking that question to myself and I still don't have a definite answer. I mean this at a meta-level. 

At a more day to day level, I am reasonably content (still not sure if I can say happy) about certain things in life - like having a job, having a good day at work (although that doesn't happen more than once a week), an exhausting workout at the box and having access to food and water as a bare minimum for existence.

If I am happy or content at a micro level, can I extrapolate that to my life in general and say that its probably what defines my life and can I just get away with that? Or is it necessary to have larger buckets that you need to fill in and find your happiness there?

Is happiness influenced by knowing whether people around you are happy or not?

My parents are not exactly happy. Atleast that's how they put it. For them happiness is - me not being alone. You know, the usual rants. I need to have a partner, and then kid(s). That's what means happiness to them. But does it really stop there? I mean, then the kids have to grow up and they need to find their footing in this world. Its almost like a vicious circle! A circle into which you will get sucked into.

Is making sure that your lineage is established, a main purpose of your life? Okay let's not go into the purpose of one's life in a lot of detail as that would be like revisiting the whole Bhagavad Gita and discussing karma.

What I find more questionable and unacceptable is trying to put a framework around a person's life and this happens most often in societies from India. You need to get good education. Not just good education but good grades as well. Then you need a good job. At the right time and god only knows what that means - you need to find a partner and then make sure you have kids. Your parents are never happy until all this happens. Some stop there while the others actually go on until your children start their life cycle through the above mentioned route.

What I find hard to understand is why this framework is considered the foundation of happiness by a large faction of the country. Or is it just me? Has the society in general, moved on?

I've had enough trouble in my life that nowadays doing nothing seems to be the most ideal thing. Having no agenda is my agenda.

Nick

Nick Langmaid is my colleague from work at Australia Post. I worked with him last year for over 3 months in 2014. A pretty busy and challenging project - we managed to get it over the line. Of course, there were plenty others working on it. We were just doing our bit.

That was my first project with Post. Nick had been a long timer at Post. He was literally the knowledge bank of all things financial systems. Any questions people had about payments and accounting entries - he had the answer. He knew every system, literally off the back of his palm. While working with Nick, he made sure that I got a strong understanding of how it all connected together. During that time, we also got to discuss about our passion for staying healthy by cycling to work.

In late October 2014, I moved to another project, another office. A few months later, my previous project manager at Post met me in the office and mentioned to me that Nick had a minor heart attack and he was in surgery or something. A month before that another manager in our project had also gone on medical leave to have a bypass done. I was actually joking to my manager that it was because of the stress he created on our project that people were having heart trouble. I told myself that someday in the future, I should go and say hello to Nick and just check about his health. After all, we did work together.

I guess you know by now where this is going. Today, I received an email from my manager that Nick passed away on his way to work in the morning. I was completely shocked. I just blurted out so many abusive words at work that people around me were wondering what was happening. I couldn't take it. I was pissed off with myself that I never took time to go and meet him. At one side I was angry and on another, I was depressed. I was almost in tears and I couldn't speak. I told myself that you can never predict what could go wrong with the heart. I decided to go and meet my manager who gave me the news.

I reached the other office and met him. He and his colleagues were shocked too. In fact, it was all of us together in that one previous project. In that conversation, my manager mentioned to me that it was a cycling related accident and not a heart attack. I immediately realised that I had read about a similar event in the morning. A cyclist was  knocked down by a truck in a place called Keilor East. No name was provided but the cyclist did not live. Now, I was even more stressed. 

Honestly, I did not expect Nick to leave the world this way. I am at a loss of words but this is cruel. I told myself - Only if I had taken that extra effort to say hello and enquire about his health.... I didn't. 

Its such a mad world and in many instances, we are just doing things that have no meaning in our life. Be it work that provides us salary to pay our bills or the monotonous activities to keep our life going, we are caught up in that ever engulfing web that makes us forget and only repent.

Today, I repent that I didn't meet Nick. I just didn't take the time out of my life. I could have easily done it and I should have but I never did. What would stay with me now is my remembrance of a Sean Connery look that Nick had and a deep voice.

I am a victim of my crime called life.

2014

I happened to do some clean-up activities of my life and then realised that this blog post had been sitting around in Draft mode for a very long time. I have gone through it once more and at this point, I cannot add anything more. So pressing the publish button was the only way forward.

What an eventful year. That's how everyone would sum up their year I guess. I'd like to just go ahead and put out a few events that I clearly remember about 2014. 

1. I started 2014 at a very low note. My so-called partner decided to call it quits around Sep 2013 and she moved out Jan 2014. So literally a brand new life started this year. There was more freedom and peace of mind. I was definitely happy.

2. I had entered this country as a dependent and I knew that I'd get thrown out if things were going to go the way they were. I wanted to live here and I promised myself that I will get that residency application started. The process began and it went through March all the way till September when I finally got my PR.

3. That epic trip to the USA in March. I spent a lot of time with my sister's kids. My parents were also there. It was one month of bliss. I also managed to meet a few of my engineering batch mates. A memory that would last for decades.

4. My deep dive into Crossfit began this year. I weighed my lowest and I looked sick during the first 3 months of the year. I swore after my US trip that I would focus on adding muscle weight. I trained harder, lifted heavier and went to the box 5-6 days a week for 6 months. I added almost 8kgs. Most of it was muscle. I felt fantastic.

5. Eventually, I reached my Crossfit goal. Well, not completely. At the beginning of the year, my coach asked me to write my goal. At that point I sucked at pull-ups and I did thrusters using just the barbell. I wrote that I would like to not use a resistance band to do pull ups and I would like to get 42.5kg barbell thrusters. Its almost the end of the year. I can easily do 7-10 pull ups at one go, with no requirement for bands. I can thrust 42.5kgs but I am not strong enough to use that in a workout.

6. My job sucked big time. I desperately wanted a change but there were too many things happening in my life that I could not concentrate on my job change. My company had some cash flow issues and was desperately looking to make money through third party contracts. Then came a 6 month contract in June. This was the door to what would become a new career in this country. I am extremely thankful to my boss who decided to put me on this contract. At the end of the contract, I was qualified enough to wade my way through this painful recruitment consultant based market and find myself a brand new opportunity.

7. The only year since 2007 that went by without a lot of frisbee. I played with my club for their open nationals campaign during the first few months of the year. After that I took a break. Over the years, frisbee had contributed to the problems I had with my life. Or you could also say that I used frisbee to hide under those problems that I never wanted to face. Either ways, I wasn't too happy with the outcome. The break only did good to me.

Haram

How would it be if certain moments from your life were captured and shown to you in a movie? In a way, I feel a lot more connected with the screenplay and the characters. Alternatively, this also makes me think - are these moments so mainstream that people want to make films about?

In two words, Haram is a Malayalam movie about Irreconcilable Differences. Isha is slightly devastated, or maybe that's a strong word, let's say disturbed. From a previous relationship that didn't go well. She works with a BPO in Bangalore. There is Balu as well, in the same office - not the hot guy who every girl in the office wants to go home with, but a slightly traditional, chilled out, peace-loving, and no-frills guy. Isha comes across as a fun-loving and bubbly personality on the outside; but eventually a mysterious character who has many deep layers that cannot be dissected.

The story revolves around Isha and Balu and other characters that happen to be around them or connected to them in some way. They meet, Isha finds in Balu a good friend, date a bit and get married. They move from Bangalore to Kerala and then soon after, Isha decides to file for divorce. Balu is puzzled as her reasons are - irreconcilable differences.

Balu doesn't want to quit and he wants to reason, even live, but there seems to be no hope and no specific answer. Balu is me. Perhaps, Balu is just like many other men out there? I don't have too many questions in my life. I face life as it comes to me. I don't go out of my way to seek any answers. I like the way I am - simple, grounded, happy and sometimes lucky! And Isha is a person who at times does not know what she wants. She is opportunistic when she finds comfort in Balu. She is friendly and warm but she is also weird. I am not too bothered to make deeper reflections.

A number of deep thoughts keep running through the reels of this movie.

• Promises are like babies, easy to make but very painful to deliver
• If you are happy where you are, why would you try and bring another person into your life and complicate your life

Haram definitely didn't do well at the box office. The film doesn't come with an entertainment formula. It is a figment of my life. It is a celebration of life. Of a life that is real and not reel. Of a life that says to me - if you sense emotional baggage, then run away from it!