When rahmaniacs get upset

On Thursday 16th Feb 2017, I attended a concert titled "The music of AR Rahman" from Melbourne Symphony Orchestra (MSO) and Charindaa. I have no idea who Charindaa is, so I didn't bother much. I have heard the MSO before, so I was eager to find out what they had in store. To add to the excitement, ARR himself had posted a video that he would be present at the venue. I didn't pay a lot of attention to that video, so I was quite surprised to see him on stage.

Anyway, the concert gave mixed emotions to a lot of people. Why? We expected a lot more and we felt that it was a let down.

First, I was annoyed that the organisers did not attach a program schedule when they sent me the ticket. Gates opened at 6pm and the MSO started on stage only at 8.15pm. In between we were entertained for a less than an hour by two random people on a tabla and guitar singing really boring compositions. Seriously, their music was "not good".

The MSO started with music that was unknown to many - Warriors of Heaven and Earth. I have heard the movie but who wants to see a mandarin movie for ARR (not that much a rahmaniac).

Then we were treated to Lagaan and Mangal Pandey which kept our north Indian friends happy but I was getting really impatient. Then they played music from Roja.

Then MSO went back to playing tracks from 127 Hours, Bose: The Forgotten Hero (that was actually a forgotten movie), Lord of the Rings (stage version) and that's when I totally lost it. They made ground by playing music from Bombay, Enthiran, Kochadaiiyaan and Swades.

ARR got on stage and played music from The Hundred Foot Journey for about 2 mins. Personally I thought that movie didn't have great music. So I wasn't impressed.

I think a good percentage of the audience lost it and started calling out Rahman as he was predominantly backstage. This didn't go well with the MSO conductor and he got annoyed. The calling went reached a level when he replied "If you behave well, he will be back". I could sense from his voice that he was pretty pissed. The MSO was not receiving the respect they'd usually get in live concerts.

Finally, they finished with Slumdog Millionaire. I was hoping that at least in this, ARR would sing the Jai Ho piece that he sang in the original but he didn't. An Australian opera singer did his best but wasn't impressive at all. In between, there was a tribute to Indian composers, which was really good (because they played the intro from Muthu, which was brilliant!). And then there was a tribute to Indian Beauties. It was utter nonsense and didn't warrant any presence in a music concert. Also, Indian Beauties featured only female lead actors from Bombay/Delhi which made it even more ridiculous. The madras emotion had already kicked in at the beginning. It took MSO more than 25 minutes to play a Tamil song from ARR's discography and then this beauty feature took it to the rock bottom.

Overall, this concert was average. I think MSO picked music that they can play. They didn't pick anything they'd be really challenged to learn or impress the audience. 

The organisers did the worst false marketing, just to boost ticket sales. I think they should have given some idea to people, considering that the entire Indian population of Melbourne is going to turn up when you say "Music of AR Rahman".

The rahmaniac in everyone got aroused almost instantly. People were annoyed and disinterested. I know its not good behaviour but hey! Its a minimum of 50 dollars per ticket.

Poem: The Runner

mornings or afternoons
opening that door
sitting across at a diagonal view
he sees her
imagining she did too
or maybe just imagining

large monitors
cover his gaze
past those walls
he wants to talk
shy as a butterfly
he just does not

she is away
in a new land
far far away
chasing her dream
running with passion

tired and jet lagged
sleepless and unsettled
she writes innocently
a 2am email
perhaps unusual
how he sees it

delighted he feels
dreaming the impossible
wishing it were
a reason beyond reason

nervous and impatient
he waits for hours
screen refresh
screen refresh
days and nights
with wishes not despair
another 2am moment
never does arrive

The Middle Class

She wakes up. Starts cooking and in parallel, dresses up her son for school. Off he goes. She packs a box of lunch for her husband while he gets ready for work. She hears him complain that he is getting late. That's "ALL" she hears from him. Then she goes to work. They get home in the evening. She makes dinner. They all eat and go to bed. He is in the mood. So he has sex. She doesn't seem to enjoy it. She is aware that their son who is sleeping less than two feet from them might wake up and you know what next. But he continues to arrive.

Its their middle class life. She goes to work and he goes to work. That's what they all do. A one bedroom apartment with very minimal privacy has its own boundaries but he is not bothered. He just wants it. He gets it. He gets it every day. He doesn't care about what she wants. That's how he imagined life should be.

One evening, his phone rings. An unknown caller. She questions. He brushes it off. She realizes. He is cheating on her.

She wants to give it back. She decides to cheat.

In between, there is also a reference to the great poet Bharathiyar and his thoughts on women. On how he wanted women to be what they want to be; on how they should carve a path for themselves and not be dependent on a man; on empowering women.

This was a short film. When I finished seeing this, I had many thoughts going on in my mind.

What makes a marriage work? Is it equally distributed commitment from two people? In the case of an imbalance, is it okay for one person to give more?

Deception or infidelity is just wrong. Doesn't matter who. If he does it, does it mean that she has the right to retaliate and do something similar? How does that work?

What if 'she' gets a call from an unknown caller? Let's say we let Bharathiyar's dream version of women to choose what they want to do, and let them find romance outside of their relationship. What if he finds out, but he doesn't think that he needs to take revenge. How does that play out?

We are a high class society who have enough problems at our own class, where women are slightly ahead of the men in these familial circumstances. And we dramatize/empathize about middle class and low class.

The princess of Shiraz

Married men should be subject to very strict rules when it comes to conversations inside the office with single women. When asked what they did during the weekend or what plans they have, they shouldn't talk about how much they love their partner's or what stuff they do for them. Reference to taking children to the animal farm or doing an art project with them - all of this and everything else about family that makes single women so emotional, has to be STOPPED! And then the single women are like - "oh that's so lovely! I need to find a guy who does all that too!"

I am sitting there listening to all of this and I am thinking - "hello! you need to talk to the single men about that!". Yes, single men don't have to do all that. Doesn't mean they will not do it when the need arises!

Rewind 13 months. I hear about her. I don't know who she is but I am curious. I just carry on with my work. One October morning in the not-so-cold meeting room, I see her walk in with her moon boot. I tell myself "yes, she seems nice". I actually hadn't talked to her up until then.

Now. She's the most awesome person I have met in this office. She is smart, intelligent, driven, has a great smile, with a bit of chicness. And she runs marathons, swims, does bootcamp. I could just say "I don't know how she does it" (reminding me of Kate Reddy).

Over the period of a year, we managed to chat a bit - about my job, crossfit, a bit of family stuff. I tried inviting her to crossfit. Never worked. I guess I should stop talking about crossfit to women. Probably puts them off. I don't know. I just don't know!

Past. I walked back with her from the city all the way past Domain Interchange. It was perhaps the 'one and only' time when we had a good conversation. Just once. It never happened again. I hinted to her once that I'd like to join her on a walk. She declined politely (Maybe she sensed something. Sometimes women just know so much and men just don't get it. Rather I don't).

Now. She always talks to the married men in the office. And they "all" flirt with her. I see it all the time. I am like, god! you men are ridiculous. I think she knows that (that the men are flirting or I hope she knows). I think she likes the attention. Don't they all?

There's so much of this work ethics, sexual harassment and colleague rules that single men need to be mindful about. The married men - not so much. For them, all that is banter. Not for me!

Mustering up the courage to ask her out - I don't think I could do that. If she absolutely does not like it, it would put  a huge risk to my job (which, by the way, is going bloody good well). If it becomes a soft decline, then the oddity of sitting across in the office and being reminded that this happened.

Its all so complicated! Well, isn't that what's life is all about? Some letters are best delivered as "return to sender"

To plan or not?

In 2006, when I moved to India, I had a plan. I wanted to live and work in India. I could say that it wasn't the best decision because my other option was Switzerland but my job at the point sort of sucked. So, coming to India was my way of escaping from my job.

In 2012, when I arrived in Australia, I really didn't have a plan. I went with the flow. And when things happened, I made a plan to stick around for a bit. But I don't think I want to live here permanently.

I met a girl online recently. She lives in India (city doesn't matter). She works as a corporate lawyer. We started chatting. It took some effort. This chatting business is pathetic. Long distance kinda sucks because you are just waiting for someone to reply and you just don't know what they are thinking about. All you get to see is what they type. Their expression or tone is unknown (which makes it a lot scary). And emojis are a pain in the ass. I have no fucking idea what each one of that means.

So we exchanged a few messages. I wasn't trying to break the ice. I was just taking a Kalashnikov and shooting into the ice. Totally honest and open answers. 

One of main points of discussion was around where I wanted to be. I have always maintained that I want to go back to India and live there. Australia is great but I don't see myself living here permanently. My social life here revolves only around crossfit and I think that will destroy me after a point (not crossfit but just the fact that I have friends who do crossfit and the social circle ends there).

So this girl was like - how can you not be certain about what you want to do? I am like, why should I be certain? I have the education, experience and confidence to do what I want in my life. I am not worried about taking any risk or being jobless. Yes this was the case before, but life "has" taught me a lesson. Today, I want to experiment going back to India and see what I can do. If things don't work out as planned, then I'd like to come back to Australia (its a backup). And she was like - this is an arranged marriage situation and my parents are not comfortable with all this uncertainty. At that point, I couldn't do much. So I said - good luck with your search.

What baffles me is why people still look for assurances in life. There is no guarantee for anything! I could lose my job tomorrow. I could have a job in India, relocate and then lose my job. Shit happens. Why are people so hung up on a steady life? I wanted a steady life back in 2012 and these days, thats the last thing I want.

My plan is "not to have a plan". I had a plan in 2012 or around that time frame. To settle down with a good job, buy a house, have a family etc. All that went down the pooper. So now, I am going to take life as it comes. Just for a few years.

I understand where some of these women are coming from. They want to know if the man they choose, can support them and the future family etc etc. Also the fact that some of these women have had a terrible experience (thanks to a previous marriage that ruined their life in one way or the other). 

So listen you corporate lawyer woman - you've gotta grow up. You've got to let go of your insecurities a bit. You cannot ask for an opportunity to step into the corporate ladder, break that glass ceiling and also say that men are ultimately responsible to take care of you. Yes, when you are on mat-leave, I can take care of you. Sometimes, I think that I need a break from all the work. Maybe you should take care of me, for a few years, while I figure out a new job or decide what I want to do.

Sharon Andrea Serrao

The most beautiful girl from my MBA Class at ISB is no more. I just can't ******* believe this! She was only 33.

This happened a few days back and I haven't come to terms with it. I don't think I ever will. I will stay affected by this for my entire life. For me, this is just an unfair act of... well, I am not sure if I can use the word God here. Does God really exist? If he does, then what explanation can he or she give me? I am not expecting any philosophical thoughts saying - it was her time and there were other plans for her. That's just BS.

I met Sharon first in 2006. I wasn't very close to her and all that. We were just good friends. I remember sitting in the hall area of my apartment, looking out the window and seeing her get in and out of the student village. There was something about her presence. Maybe it was how tall she was and how she'd stand out among everyone else. Maybe it was how she conducted herself - very simple and genuine. 

I still remember, we used to call her "model" all the time we met her on campus. She'd blush a bit and hush our comments. She was pure awesome. When I recall stuff about her, I remember her birthday party in 2007. I was doing work for the yearbook and it was almost 2am when I got back from the publisher. She was still awake and in party mood. Most of them had retired. She was thrilled to see me drop in. It was a quiet few minutes well spent.

I didn't see Sharon after graduation or I don't clearly remember if I did any time later. We were only in touch through Facebook. A few years later, she invited me for her wedding. I couldn't go. I should have. I didn't meet her when I was in Dubai for WCBU. Time just passed by.

And one ******* day, she's gone! Her life has been taken off the earth just like that. I heard she was at work and she had a cardiac arrest. Absolutely unannounced.
Why did this have to happen? What wrong did her 10-month old son do? To have such an awesome person stripped of his life.

I am in real pain. Its bottled up so much within me. I was sitting at the Immigration Office in Melbourne when I kept getting messages and I wanted to burst out crying. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I am gonna have to let this out somewhere somehow. 

Someone I saw pretty much every day of my academic year at ISB is just not there. This is not about being healthy or fit or doing regular medical check-ups and not being stressed at work. All that is still not happening with many of my other friends - most of them are unhealthy, unfit and stressed AND they are ******* alive!

Sharon, you were such a lovely person. Actually, you still are a lovely person. The "were' doesn't apply to you. Just because someone irrational decided to pluck you out, doesn't mean that you don't exist for me. I think about you and I always keep hearing your voice, the way you say "dude". When I meet your son (whenever that is), I will definitely tell him about you. He will be loved by all of us.

Update - some comments said I used swear words. So I have put a * instead. This is not a eulogy.

Pick Your Wife Wisely: Not just your career but your life depends on it

So I saw this Huffington Post article being shared on Facebook titled - Pick your husband wisely: Your career depends on it

This post is my response to the article.

If you do not choose your wife wisely, then you will not just lose your career but also your life. This is my experience and I stand by my statement 100%

Choose someone who would support your career first. Do not go out of your way and support her career advancement. All this bullshit about women empowerment and "being there for her" will tell you to go f**k yourself when she decides to walk out of that door. And bear in mind, she will. Because you let her. You supported her all her decisions to have a great career. Even if it means that you need to let go of your own career. Your sacrifice means nothing. Because when she goes out, she doesn't see that you are behind waiting to see her succeed. She is comparing you with other powerful and influential men surrounding her in the corporate world and against them, you are a f**king lose because you decided to stay at home.

"Even if women are highly educated, they aren't allowed by in-laws and husbands to do any job outside the home. Women are graduating to get a good groom not a good job." If a woman is able to work, she must still shoulder the bulk of household responsibilities."

The above statement applies to a lower middle class and even lower class population. These people are mostly not on Facebook, Twitter and they definitely don't read Huffington Post.

No woman is graduating to get a good groom these days. She is graduating so that at some point if she wants to be independent from a groom, then she can very well be. The in-laws and the husbands don't have much say in these decisions. They've got to comply.

"A real partner is not just supportive of your career, but is happy to take on his fair share of household responsibilities so that you both can thrive."

Men, if you take a fair share of household responsibilities, then please ensure your partner also has a fair share. You don't want to be in a situation where your partner comes home and works for 2 more hours and then says "Let's order food" or "I cannot clean the house because I worked a lot during the week and I need my sleep or I need to shop instead"

"Before committing to another person you should know if you want a career or if you are more interested in [fitting] meaningful work around your family life."

I think this applies more to men these days.

And if she asks you things like "Would you support my career? If I had to move for my job, would you be willing to relocate the family?" Do not do this at your expense. I've had a personal experience in these exact questions and the results are not favorable at all. Men, please be a little selfish, and look at your life.

And men, please observe your women before you commit to them. If she is the person who gets up quite late and throws her legs up on the couch and reads the newspaper or checks her emails while you make your own cup of coffee, maybe she is not the one that could share responsibilities around the house.

The question "Would you support my career after we have kids?" is absolutely irrelevant these days. In my opinion, the men should be asking "Will we have any kids?"

Juice Cleanse Day Two and Three

The Day One post was written in a rush. Mostly because it was quite late and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Since the process is pretty much the same, I am compressing Day 2 and 3 into one post.

Juice cleanse is expensive. The 3-day cleanse costs about 200 AUD. Yes, it does burn a large hole in your pocket. So, its definitely not something that you should try often. If you look at the economics, it does make sense to some extent. 24 bottles of juices over 3 days for 200 AUD. That's a little more than 8 AUD per bottle. I think I can definitely pay 8 dollars for a juice bottle. Most smoothies around this city cost that much. This one is cold pressed and is absolutely healthy, full of essential nutrients. Nevertheless, drinking 8 dollar bottles 8 times a day is a little too much. Maybe once a year? I am not sure if I'll do another one. I'll think about it towards the end of 2016 or early 2017.

Day 2 is actually a breeze. Its twenty minutes past one and I am writing this piece. Four juices down and I can say that I am feeling much better now, than how I felt at the same time yesterday. And I am past the halfway mark. Its only downhill from here! There is still a mild disturbance on the top - like a mild headache but its bearable. Yesterday was tough! I had crazy thoughts. I curled up in my couch at 6 pm. I changed to warm clothes and I even wore a jacket! My body was a lot weak and I thought I was coming down with a fever. But it was just the energy levels causing havoc in the mind.

Day 2 Late Evening
Towards the end of Day 2, I was very hungry. I ended up having the dinner juice 7 around 6.45 pm. On Day 1, I had it around 8pm. So, by the time I was going to bed, I was hungry again. But I had to get through the night. I did it somehow. Pure mind game.

In two days, I haven't lost a lot of weight. I weighed myself yesterday and I was about a little more than a kilo less than my normal weight. I suspect, I'll put on that weight the moment I start on solid food. What I am more interested in is to find out how my body is going to react when I start eating normal food. I need to go back to that pamphlet provided by the company about easing back into normal food. Definitely cannot eat a burger on day one!

Day 3

I am sort of cruising now. Its the last day and I know I can eat something tomorrow morning! Hahaha. Yes, that's the biggest motivation to get through today. It will be close of business at work in another 2 hrs and then I just need to get through the evening. At that point in the evening, I reckon, it would be a walk in the park. Destination is right in front and all you need to do is just breathe and you'll get past. I am quite good at self control. There's plenty of chocolate, fruit and other eatables inside the refrigerator just next to the juices and I haven't had any temptation. Juice 6 is the worst tasting juice and during that time I am usually home. I have resisted other foods quite well over the last two days.

In general, my stomach has been very quiet, which I believe is awesome. When you eat solid food that as carbs, fat, fiber etc your body doesn't take it well every day. Some days are extremely windy. The last 3 days have been quiet and peaceful to be honest. I think its also a reminder of how much junk food we eat every day. By junk, I mean, food that is not absorbed efficiently by our body. On some days, even dark chocolate and low fat greek yogurt is not good for the body. So, we need to eat smart. Most importantly drink lots and lots of water, which I don't do. I think I drink just about 2 liters of water everyday and I think I need to step that up to 3.

Day 3 Close

Around afternoon, I started getting this pain in my lower back. I didn't know what was happening. The pain and discomfort only increased. I thought it was my sitting posture and I started stretching and foam rolling when I got back home from work. It didn't help. I tried to sleep and I could not. I rolled on my belly, right side, left side - none of that helped. I've never had lower back pain - even after crossfit. So this was a huge surprise. I thought it was because of lack of exercise and started activating my lower back. That didn't help as well. I used a PainMate device. This is a small TENS device that sends vibrations to your body when you are in pain. It gave me relief but not was not enough. It was almost 11pm and I had to go to sleep. So I gave in and took 2 tablets of Voltaren. Surprising how your mind plays when your body has pain. All this while it never struck me to go on the internet and read. Then lightning struck and I googled stuff about lower back pain and juice cleansing. Voila! there were tons of articles about that. Apparently your body is flushing out all the toxins from your system and that creates severe lower back pain. So that was quite common. I had no idea and I wish the person from store actually gave me some indication of that. 

Now, I only wish that the two Voltaren tablets did not reverse whatever I did in the last days!

Juice Cleanse Day One

I was always interested in what juice cleansing was all about. It started when I noticed a Pressed Juice store in Collins Street. I started reading about the cleanse program on their website. Further research led me to another company HomeJuice. They had a store in Melbourne as well. Two weeks back, I had the opportunity to go to a HomeJuice store in Docklands. I had a chat with the staff and I was sold into trying this. And then, I had to go over this massive planning effort to find the exact 3 day window to do the cleanse. I had to make sure that I finish all the food that I have and also work out stuff about crossfit and yoga (which by the way, I had to stop completely because of the cleanse).

I signed up for the advanced cleanse with Pressed Juices yesterday. Mostly because, they have a store that's easily accessible for me (on my way back home). I picked up my first batch of 8 juices yesterday.

My experiment of inflicting so many bottles of juices on my body began on the morning of 22nd Feb 2016. Instructions were to have a bottle of juice every 2-3 hrs.

Juice 1 was pink lemonade. I had the juice around 7am. I was quite fine. I usually don't have anything in the morning on a normal day. I get to office and have breakfast. So this was good.

Juice 2 was a Green juice. It was a little after 9am. The juice was thick and it was more like breakfast. I managed to get through that as well with very little difficulty.

Juice 3 was an Earth juice. This was perhaps the hardest. I was close to lunch time and I was craving solid food big time! I mean who doesn't eat solid food? I started feeling a bit uneasy. Also, the presence of breakfast cereals and muesli bars around my desk didn't help. So, I had to step outside and do a  bit of walking to keep myself distracted. I did that.

Juice 4 was another Green juice. This was not thick. It was 2pm and I was losing it. My head was aching a bit on the right side. I had earlier read articles mentioning that I would experience mild headaches. But I am still not sure if its the mind or body thats playing this game.

Juice 5 was Zest juice made from orange. By this time, it was 4pm. I generally leave around half past so the thought of leaving office kinda got into me and I was able to find that distraction. In between, I also talked to a few colleagues about the cleanse, just to keep myself motivated.

Juice 6 was another Green juice. I got home by this time. I also picked up the juice pack for the next day. Yes, they prefer you to collect the juice everyday as the shelf life for the juice is less than 2 days. Drink it fresh is the policy. When I finished juice 6, I was a bit tired. I watched some TV and I decided to take a 30min nap. I got up at 8pm.

It was time for Juice 7 - banana salted caramel. This is perhaps the best juice of the day. Its loaded with all the nuts and good stuff. Not that the previous juices are loaded with bad stuff. They have all the green stuff which doesn't appeal to the mind that much. I gulped down juice 7 and then decided if I have nothing else to do, then I might as well get more rest.

I went back to sleep again and got up in about 2 hours for Juice 8 - sour cherry. I finished that and had some time left before going back to bed again. So, I decided to write this quick post.

At this time, I feel better. The headache is still there but its not that bad. Its bearable. Yes, I feel tired. The fact that there is no solid food in my system freaks me. Getting that out of my mind is quite hard. Day One looks more like a mind game.

For the scientifically/biologically inclined, yes, I have pee'd a lot. One thing I noticed is that the pee is crystal clear, which is a huge change to other days when its usually coloured. So, we have one good sign. Two more days to go!

Click here to read about Day Two and Three

The 2016 zodiac

So, I was on the train heading home from a friends place. Sunday evening and Gavrilova had already taken the lead with 6-0. I was excited and impatient to get home. I found a seat and I found the day's Herald Sun stashed in the corner. I just decided to pick it up and read instead of gazing at people or blindly waiting for the train to pull up into the city station.

And I saw this section of the paper!

When I read that portion, I was simply stunned! I mean, the first line was like hitting the nail on the head. I don't really believe in zodiac predictions. To be honest, all this is written for a generic audience that ranges from a new-born to someone in a ventilator. I don't subscribe to a newspaper. Even if I subscribed, I wouldn't buy a paper that actually has a zodiac column.

"Expect a culmination" - that was spot on. As per the current timeline, this was expected to occur sometime this week or early next week.

About happier times - well its been happier times ever since Jan 2014. So, I guess this means there is going to be more happier times. I feel quite excited now. Haha.

And Love Life - I am really looking forward to that one. I am so over what happened in my life that now I feel very positive and ready to take that big next step. It still won't be rushed though. I will definitely take my time to decide. Also, now that I have some experience, I know what I don't want or what type or person could be a problem in my life.

Well, with that hope provided by a random zodiac columnist, I am starting 2016! I still need to write about the last month of 2015. I hope to find some time this week. Fingers crossed!

The frustration of being a single Indian in Australia

Couldn't shorten the title. That's exactly my thought today. I have no idea what I am doing in my life. Yes, being single sucks especially after being in a relationship for a very long time.

Being a brown fish in a white pond sucks. The brown female fish from your own country don't want to consider you. These fishes are mostly from north. So they don't prefer the fish from the south. Thanks to the great cultural divide in India. Its quite prevalent thousands of miles across here in Australia.

The brown female fish want to meet the white male fish here. The white female fish also want to meet the white male fish, which essentially means that the brown male fish are fucked. That's my situation. The probability of rejection is extremely high.

Meeting someone at work these days is simply out of question. First of all there are hardly any and then the next point that you are being judged by the colour of your skin. If you found someone and talked to them (don't even think of flirting), you should remember that you are secretly being watched by many other people around you. Workplace ethics and gender harassment issues are enough to get you out of work or into jail. If that happens, what you need to understand is you may not get work anywhere else again. This much is enough to scare the living daylights out of you. You'd rather keep your job than being known for making passes at your women colleagues.

Meeting someone at your local gym is also complicated. First problem is the awkward conversation which is very hard to make. You'd think they like you because they are friendly but they are really just being friendly. That's their nature. Just because they talk to you doesn't mean they'd go out on a date with you. And if you muster up the courage to ask them and they say no, you go into rejection phase. Then it becomes so hard to even go back to the gym. You know - the feeling of "she said no and hence we cannot be at the same class because its embarrassing or silly?". You so wish you'd just remained friends. Atleast you could continue talking.

Beyond this, one would say that you could meet people at clubs, bars and the likes. But I don't drink and I don't like to spend late nights outside. 

What a wretched life this is. Why is meeting someone so hard? Actually, why is it so hard for a brown fish?

The Intern

Recently, I saw the movie THE INTERN. It was fantastic. The basic storyline is about how the young entrepreneurs of the digital economy need to appreciate the wisdom that comes from moving along with people from the manufacturing economy.

Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro play these roles with ease and are a pleasure to watch.

The point of my post is looking at Jules' personal life in the movie. Jules works in a high pressure environment. She has no time for her daughter and husband. She is swamped with work 24x7, taking calls at odd times and replying to emails at 2am. The husband, who was also very successful at a point, decided to take a step back and be a house-husband. He cares for the daughter, drops her at school and runs all errands around the house.

There comes a point in the movie where Jules' management capabilities are questioned and she is asked by her investors to find a new CEO. She does give in at some point and decides to appoint a new CEO. Very soon, the husband is shown as cheating on her with another woman. Then, Jules decides that she should definitely step back on her job and focus more on the family before its too late.

I know that the director had no choice but to introduce a scene like that to bring the movie to a close but it was so wrong. On one side, we have all these people complaining that women don't get the opportunities to grow in a male dominated corporate world. On the other side, we are shown these rubbish movie examples where a man is cheating. Seriously What The F!

People! Men aren't the only human beings who cheat! Women do it too. I wonder if there are popular movies where women cheat and the men get to find out. But then, you'll have to show men as vulnerable characters. A popular relationship researcher once said in her speech "people choose to leave a relationship these days only because they could be happier in another relationship". And this applies equally to both sexes.

When I take a step back in my career, I don't do it because I am not ambitious. I do it because I like to be supportive to someone who is slightly more ambitious than I am. That doesn't mean that I like to spend my late afternoons cheating on my partner with another parent who I met at school.

We complain all the time about not getting the right opportunity or life being unfair. When provided with those opportunities, we don't realise that we are simultaneously being fed with negative thoughts and examples that never lets us realise our dreams.

Heartbreak

Yesterday, I was watching a program on TV about heartbreak and that got me thinking if I ever had one? I think most of the times, I may have had something like a heartbreak but I immediately moved away from it and saw the positives in my life. I really didn't analyse the negatives too deeply. Sometimes, I do feel that my life is a closed book even to myself and I need to say something to find that clarity or whatever that may be.

So, this is a view into what heartbreak is.

Heartbreak is....

- When you wholeheartedly support her higher study and she says that she actually went to study because she wanted to figure out if she wanted to live with you or not

- When you take your dad to her graduation because he is also family and she asks, "why did you bring him?"

- When you find out that someone else sends her red roses on her birthday

- When she tells you that she is doing office work and you leave her alone but she is Skype chatting with someone else about your life

- When you give up your ambitions for her success and she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When you take time out to spend a one month holiday with her and attend her best friend's wedding; then she tells you that she doesn't want to live with you

- When she walks out of that door without even looking back and you come back to an empty house and feel shattered that you've failed

Obviously, this is only one side of the story. Whoever spoke loud and first is not right. For all you know, I could still be an ass.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What makes you happy? Money? Love? New Job? New shoes?

I tried asking that question to myself and I still don't have a definite answer. I mean this at a meta-level. 

At a more day to day level, I am reasonably content (still not sure if I can say happy) about certain things in life - like having a job, having a good day at work (although that doesn't happen more than once a week), an exhausting workout at the box and having access to food and water as a bare minimum for existence.

If I am happy or content at a micro level, can I extrapolate that to my life in general and say that its probably what defines my life and can I just get away with that? Or is it necessary to have larger buckets that you need to fill in and find your happiness there?

Is happiness influenced by knowing whether people around you are happy or not?

My parents are not exactly happy. Atleast that's how they put it. For them happiness is - me not being alone. You know, the usual rants. I need to have a partner, and then kid(s). That's what means happiness to them. But does it really stop there? I mean, then the kids have to grow up and they need to find their footing in this world. Its almost like a vicious circle! A circle into which you will get sucked into.

Is making sure that your lineage is established, a main purpose of your life? Okay let's not go into the purpose of one's life in a lot of detail as that would be like revisiting the whole Bhagavad Gita and discussing karma.

What I find more questionable and unacceptable is trying to put a framework around a person's life and this happens most often in societies from India. You need to get good education. Not just good education but good grades as well. Then you need a good job. At the right time and god only knows what that means - you need to find a partner and then make sure you have kids. Your parents are never happy until all this happens. Some stop there while the others actually go on until your children start their life cycle through the above mentioned route.

What I find hard to understand is why this framework is considered the foundation of happiness by a large faction of the country. Or is it just me? Has the society in general, moved on?

I've had enough trouble in my life that nowadays doing nothing seems to be the most ideal thing. Having no agenda is my agenda.

Nick

Nick Langmaid is my colleague from work at Australia Post. I worked with him last year for over 3 months in 2014. A pretty busy and challenging project - we managed to get it over the line. Of course, there were plenty others working on it. We were just doing our bit.

That was my first project with Post. Nick had been a long timer at Post. He was literally the knowledge bank of all things financial systems. Any questions people had about payments and accounting entries - he had the answer. He knew every system, literally off the back of his palm. While working with Nick, he made sure that I got a strong understanding of how it all connected together. During that time, we also got to discuss about our passion for staying healthy by cycling to work.

In late October 2014, I moved to another project, another office. A few months later, my previous project manager at Post met me in the office and mentioned to me that Nick had a minor heart attack and he was in surgery or something. A month before that another manager in our project had also gone on medical leave to have a bypass done. I was actually joking to my manager that it was because of the stress he created on our project that people were having heart trouble. I told myself that someday in the future, I should go and say hello to Nick and just check about his health. After all, we did work together.

I guess you know by now where this is going. Today, I received an email from my manager that Nick passed away on his way to work in the morning. I was completely shocked. I just blurted out so many abusive words at work that people around me were wondering what was happening. I couldn't take it. I was pissed off with myself that I never took time to go and meet him. At one side I was angry and on another, I was depressed. I was almost in tears and I couldn't speak. I told myself that you can never predict what could go wrong with the heart. I decided to go and meet my manager who gave me the news.

I reached the other office and met him. He and his colleagues were shocked too. In fact, it was all of us together in that one previous project. In that conversation, my manager mentioned to me that it was a cycling related accident and not a heart attack. I immediately realised that I had read about a similar event in the morning. A cyclist was  knocked down by a truck in a place called Keilor East. No name was provided but the cyclist did not live. Now, I was even more stressed. 

Honestly, I did not expect Nick to leave the world this way. I am at a loss of words but this is cruel. I told myself - Only if I had taken that extra effort to say hello and enquire about his health.... I didn't. 

Its such a mad world and in many instances, we are just doing things that have no meaning in our life. Be it work that provides us salary to pay our bills or the monotonous activities to keep our life going, we are caught up in that ever engulfing web that makes us forget and only repent.

Today, I repent that I didn't meet Nick. I just didn't take the time out of my life. I could have easily done it and I should have but I never did. What would stay with me now is my remembrance of a Sean Connery look that Nick had and a deep voice.

I am a victim of my crime called life.

2014

I happened to do some clean-up activities of my life and then realised that this blog post had been sitting around in Draft mode for a very long time. I have gone through it once more and at this point, I cannot add anything more. So pressing the publish button was the only way forward.

What an eventful year. That's how everyone would sum up their year I guess. I'd like to just go ahead and put out a few events that I clearly remember about 2014. 

1. I started 2014 at a very low note. My so-called partner decided to call it quits around Sep 2013 and she moved out Jan 2014. So literally a brand new life started this year. There was more freedom and peace of mind. I was definitely happy.

2. I had entered this country as a dependent and I knew that I'd get thrown out if things were going to go the way they were. I wanted to live here and I promised myself that I will get that residency application started. The process began and it went through March all the way till September when I finally got my PR.

3. That epic trip to the USA in March. I spent a lot of time with my sister's kids. My parents were also there. It was one month of bliss. I also managed to meet a few of my engineering batch mates. A memory that would last for decades.

4. My deep dive into Crossfit began this year. I weighed my lowest and I looked sick during the first 3 months of the year. I swore after my US trip that I would focus on adding muscle weight. I trained harder, lifted heavier and went to the box 5-6 days a week for 6 months. I added almost 8kgs. Most of it was muscle. I felt fantastic.

5. Eventually, I reached my Crossfit goal. Well, not completely. At the beginning of the year, my coach asked me to write my goal. At that point I sucked at pull-ups and I did thrusters using just the barbell. I wrote that I would like to not use a resistance band to do pull ups and I would like to get 42.5kg barbell thrusters. Its almost the end of the year. I can easily do 7-10 pull ups at one go, with no requirement for bands. I can thrust 42.5kgs but I am not strong enough to use that in a workout.

6. My job sucked big time. I desperately wanted a change but there were too many things happening in my life that I could not concentrate on my job change. My company had some cash flow issues and was desperately looking to make money through third party contracts. Then came a 6 month contract in June. This was the door to what would become a new career in this country. I am extremely thankful to my boss who decided to put me on this contract. At the end of the contract, I was qualified enough to wade my way through this painful recruitment consultant based market and find myself a brand new opportunity.

7. The only year since 2007 that went by without a lot of frisbee. I played with my club for their open nationals campaign during the first few months of the year. After that I took a break. Over the years, frisbee had contributed to the problems I had with my life. Or you could also say that I used frisbee to hide under those problems that I never wanted to face. Either ways, I wasn't too happy with the outcome. The break only did good to me.

Haram

How would it be if certain moments from your life were captured and shown to you in a movie? In a way, I feel a lot more connected with the screenplay and the characters. Alternatively, this also makes me think - are these moments so mainstream that people want to make films about?

In two words, Haram is a Malayalam movie about Irreconcilable Differences. Isha is slightly devastated, or maybe that's a strong word, let's say disturbed. From a previous relationship that didn't go well. She works with a BPO in Bangalore. There is Balu as well, in the same office - not the hot guy who every girl in the office wants to go home with, but a slightly traditional, chilled out, peace-loving, and no-frills guy. Isha comes across as a fun-loving and bubbly personality on the outside; but eventually a mysterious character who has many deep layers that cannot be dissected.

The story revolves around Isha and Balu and other characters that happen to be around them or connected to them in some way. They meet, Isha finds in Balu a good friend, date a bit and get married. They move from Bangalore to Kerala and then soon after, Isha decides to file for divorce. Balu is puzzled as her reasons are - irreconcilable differences.

Balu doesn't want to quit and he wants to reason, even live, but there seems to be no hope and no specific answer. Balu is me. Perhaps, Balu is just like many other men out there? I don't have too many questions in my life. I face life as it comes to me. I don't go out of my way to seek any answers. I like the way I am - simple, grounded, happy and sometimes lucky! And Isha is a person who at times does not know what she wants. She is opportunistic when she finds comfort in Balu. She is friendly and warm but she is also weird. I am not too bothered to make deeper reflections.

A number of deep thoughts keep running through the reels of this movie.

• Promises are like babies, easy to make but very painful to deliver
• If you are happy where you are, why would you try and bring another person into your life and complicate your life

Haram definitely didn't do well at the box office. The film doesn't come with an entertainment formula. It is a figment of my life. It is a celebration of life. Of a life that is real and not reel. Of a life that says to me - if you sense emotional baggage, then run away from it!

 

The best friend

In the 70s my dad worked for a British company (name not important). He was friends with another person who worked there. They had the same first name - Krishnan. Much later, I come to realise that this friend of my dad is also his best friend.

My dad used to go to Sabarimala every year. It ran in the family. Even now he tries to make a trip, time and health permitting. My grandfather led a group of almost 100 people to the hills in Kerala every year. From the time that I became aware of these trips, my dad and his best friend used to embark on a 2 week journey with a group of like-minded individuals. This was an every year ritual. I still remember going to those pre-journey rituals. It used to be a day long affair with Vedic chants and song recitals. Mr.Krishnan used to be the spiritual leader of the group. He always worked hard towards making sure that every trip was managed well.

Over the years of knowing each other and making so many journeys, they have become best friends. Our families also become very close. Of course, during that time, my interaction was quite limited.

As I grew up, I started understanding how amazing friends they were. My dad used to share everything with Mr.Krishnan - about family, sisters, brothers, personal problems, things about business etc. Pretty much everything under the sun I could say. He would be the go-to person for my dad - friend, philosopher, guide. Every time Mr.Krishnan called our house, he would enquire about me and my sister. They have been friends for more than 40 years I think. Mr.Krishnan is extremely spiritual and has a special aura surrounding him. Its perhaps his countless trips to Sabarimala that makes him glow like that. He has the blessings of god, an ever smiling person. He has been present for every family function of ours - big or small, doesn't matter. He is present. And all of my dad's brothers and sisters know him very well.

Mr.Krishnan is no more. It happened all of a sudden - no warnings whatsoever. I accidentally called my parents mid-week and my mom shivered on the phone while sharing the sad news. My dad was not around at home. I did not know what to say. Obviously, my dad was terribly shaken. His only friend with whom he spoke almost every week is not around any more. In that place, there is literally nothing now. I just cannot believe it. Its been a couple of days but I cannot come to terms with this. I don't know when I will.

That's when I realised that I don't have a best friend. I am almost 35 - yes literally half way or past half way. Only downhill from here and there is not a single person who knows everything about me or who wants to know everything about me. At one point, I thought I had a best friend but she sort of got married and things started drifting. No one is to blame but a large part of this problem is also me being such a closed book. I tend to bottle up things. And now, my life is just filled with a bunch of electronically active people who like and comment on what I choose to tell them. 

Mr.Krishnan's voice always echoes in my mind. His religious songs were my favourite. Even though he had so many problems in his life, he was always smiling. 

Today when I put myself in my dad's shoes, I understand how much my life sucks. I now know what it feels like when that one person to talk to is not around, what it means when you don't have someone in your life whose house you can walk into any time and just spend a few hours reflecting. I never ever had someone in my life who was like that to me. I guess, I never will. I am still chasing and perhaps living the wrong dream. 

Gone Girl - The Movie

It was late 2012, I still remember seeing a book in the hands of a lady on the tram. That was the first time and then I saw it again with another lady. It made me curious but I am not that much into books. The author Gillian Flynn didn't strike a chord either. But I was quite fascinated that there were so many people who were reading the same story. I bought the book in 2013. Didn't even unwrap it. I completely forgot about it.

A few weeks back, I saw the trailer of a movie titled Gone Girl. That single line - "I did not kill my wife" struck me so hard that I got a sudden urge to pick up the book and know what happened. I knew that I was definitely going to see this movie but I was curious and fascinated by just the trailer that I wanted to know every f**king detail. What the hell was this all about? I finally read the book and I was thrilled beyond expectations. Blown-away you could say too.

If courtship is a movie, marriage is a job that can become a grinding routine, an Ever After without the Happily - courtesy Time Magazine

David Fincher's Gone Girl is simply a masterpiece. Its electrifying, powerful and sends you laughing certainly at the right moments. The movie shows what a usual America is - doubting the husband to have killed his wife, some pretty dumb neighbours who could believe what you'd say, sympathising with the husband when he comes out as a cheater. Its all in there within a capsule of 150 minutes.

From the beginning of the movie, when we hear Nick's monologue about his desire to unspool his wife's brains from her pretty head, we realise that this movie is going to be kick-ass. This missing wife drama is full of mystery and its really nasty. I must give credit to the author Flynn who has also been instrumental in the screenplay. When you read the book, it doesn't hit you that hard. The diary entries, the fights and the blood stains - when you see all that on the screen, it is quite shocking.

Gone Girl's biggest plus point is the casting. Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike as Nick and Amy are so perfect for each other. Pike's mysterious smiles and mannerisms are so Amy on every frame - the ice-blooded psychopath who shouldn't seem like that until you know that she is that! And Affleck being the glib and sort of unhappy husband is right on the dot.

The movie is structurally quite sound and follows the book Scenes shift from Nick to Amy as they do in the book. I do agree that the devil is in the detail but they had to cut it down to keep the audience glued to the seat. Which worked. The montage of how Amy does stuff has been shot incredibly well. The one last scene with Neil Patrick Harris (he wasn't a great choice for the part), is somewhat traumatizing and that's why this movie is rated Extreme Violence.

Amazing Amy

She is mysterious in her own weird ways, very complex and extremely manipulative. She is the Cool Girl and then a harpy wife. She ultimately becomes the Psycho B****. But this is not what she is. She is actually full of contradictions and weaknesses. She does not like to accept that. She makes sure that she is always right and constructs the situation to her advantage.

Every marriage has its own story, most often the husband and the wife expect each other to keep up the lie of who they've pretended to be. It’s when their “true” selves begin to bleed through that their marriage starts falling apart. “I suppose these questions storm-cloud over every marriage,” says Nick. “What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Who are you? What have we done to each other? What will we do?”

Amy gives him riddles about their life together, which he’s hardly ever able to figure out, and the hunts always end in a fight. Amy sees it as a testament to how much he loves her — she hopes it will show that he has paid attention to her thoughts and feelings and remembers (what she thinks of as) important moments from their time together. He sees it as a test he will inevitably fail. 

Its five years and Nick has failed her. She wants to get back at him. Amy is somewhat like a psychopath, an emotional freak when Nick is just a skillful manipulator. What follows from thereon is a psychological warfare and a power battle. Gone Girl is a fantastic book about the extremes of masculinity and femininity.

What intrigued me even more is the how I could relate  myself to what Nick felt at many instances in the book. Of course, there is/was no Andie in my life. So I am not stuffed with any sort of guilt. But in general, what Nick thought of his life echoed so much with what I was going through.

Yes the Amy in my life is gone too. She's been gone for so long that now life is just business as usual. In the book, she comes back because she senses a threat to her freedom. She chooses to be smart and live with Nick against seeking revenge for his actions. But I don't see that happening with me.