Tinder in India

Time to write a post. Its been a really long time since I came back to this. Honestly, I miss writing but at the same time, I have been delaying it too - thanks to Netflix, YouTube and of course laziness.

Now there's a huge gap from the last post to this one. I'll perhaps come to that later. I did spend a lot of time in India - from mid-June 2017 to early Jan 2018 and during that time I decided to explore the Tinder app. I was quite sure that India has progressed over the last 5 years to appreciate random conversations over an app.

Tinder in Chennai

I think Chennai is one of the worst cities for Tinder. Chennai hardly has any migrant population compared to Bangalore or Hyderabad. So every now and then, you'll find your friend on Tinder. Also, you have to expand the distance meter to the maximum (which will also include parts of Pondicherry, read Auroville.. LOL) if you need any results. After all that, you'll see one you like. Without wasting time, you'd super like her. She'd accept. You ask her out for a coffee (Of course you cannot ask her out for a beer. You are in Chennai. Filter coffee is the best. In fact, her guardian may also be sitting a few tables away from you). She will un-match because she still believes in an arranged marriage. She is only on the app to waste your time.

Once that episode is done, your meter will keep rotating for ages. You'll find nothing. You need to wait for another eclipse.

And then there was another match. Another super like I think. Sent her a text and by the time she replied, I could see that she was a few thousand kms away in the country. She'd accepted a job in the north. Didn't see her back in the city for a really long time. I did meet her but maybe that's reserved for another post.

Tinder in Bangalore

This is perhaps the best! A lot of women, to be honest, and some really worth the super-like. And there have been times when women have super liked me too. This generally never happens anywhere else but I think India has started noticing that my physical appearance is quite stunning after all the Crossfit (Thanks to all those people who inspired me. That list is a few pages long).

Anyways, I am chatting with girl 1 (who is into sales I gather from her profile, quite irrelevant). I ask her out but she doesn't have time and its also closer to my travel date back to Chennai. So we just decide to meet when I am in the city the next time around. In the end, I never met girl 1. We decided to meet somewhere and she cancelled. Maybe she got cold feet or she didn't like me. Who knows.

Second trip to Bangalore and I had 3 matches. Voila! Chennai seriously sucks in this department.

Ok girl 1 says hello, we chat for a bit and then decide to meet! Awesome. We go out for a nice dinner. Wow this is so cool. And I must say, she was really nice. I would definitely go out with her again if I was in Bangalore. But that didn't happen.

Girl 2 said hello. We decided to meet for coffee. The intended place was quite crowded so we ended up at the coffee place for kids - Cafe Coffee Day. We had common friends. So we were chatting a lot. So, this is the problem with Chennai or Bangalore. The network is so bloody small that if you are in a good job or studied in a reputed institution, there's a 100% chance that you and your Tinder match would have common friends. Not one, but like a herd. So girl 2 actually told me some horror stories about Tinder in India which was quite shocking to hear. Girl 2 is also a Bangalore lover. I didn't get a chance to meet her again.

For all the men - If you match with a girl, then learn to take baby steps. This is India god damnit. Do not - wait outside their workplace, send them messages on Facebook or ask them why they don't want to meet you again. If they don't like you, just get the fuck out of there. Don't make them uncomfortable.

Girl 3 matches. Quite late in the night. I ask her out because I was driving back to Chennai the day after. Then she gave me this huge lecture about how we should chat, exchange phone numbers, get to know each other and then meet. I was SO not ready for all that. I just wanted to meet and say hello. That's all. Not even in the mood to take it to the next date. And then I heard all these conditions (owing to previous experience meeting dickheads). So we never met.

So overall, Bangalore scores way better than Chennai for Tinder. There are many many dry days in Chennai (when you have no matches) but Bangalore has a fairly large migrant population and also open minded people who want to date or meet people this way.

Of course, there's more to talk about the people I met. Maybe another time. But for now, I think this will be a good start for 2018.

Poem: Her favorite steel tumbler

she woke up
morning birds her alarm
this sunday
was no different

nowadays she was
used to the rhythm

prepare
deck up
new batch arrives
stand straight
genuflect
sit gentle
sing devotional
serve coffee and snacks
listen to elders jabbering
ancestral connections

nothing made sense
hot and bothered
acted with obedience
she held her emotions tight
never spoke an extra word
in her own territory

the hand had moved
a few degrees south
in some time she thought
life will be normal

with anger and hatred
she looked
at the kitchen sink
tumbler and plates
put to wash

for,
the seventeenth time
a stranger's lips had
left
another dirty mark on her
favorite steel tumbler

Malayalee Pennae

I was watching Kiran TV today and I came across this totally beautiful song. Its called "Malayalee Pennae" - translates to "Malayalee Girl".



I think this song is perhaps the best non-film malayalam song I have heard in recent times. And maybe one of the best to come from the Malayalee Youth as a dedication to the women folk.

If you are Malloo reading this, enjoy the feeling !!!

Announcement

- More than 5000 profile hits in the Tamil matrimony website and a hole in my pocket because of the registration charges.

- Advertisements in the official Palghat Iyers matrimony publication for consecutive months.

- A ream of JK White copier paper wasted in printing out horoscopes of prospects and letters to parents across the country.

- Visits to the family astrologer's house every now and then to see which ones match. Discussions to find why it matches on the girl's side and not on ours.

- Seeking opinions from a third party astrologer - just to cross check. What if our own astrologer skipped a chapter while learning the theory behind the whole matching technique.

- Travel Expenses to meet the person for the first time, then meet again. And then repeating this again for more sample sets.

- Visits to new new temples every month. Applications to a new god every now and then. 40 rounds at one place. 17 at the other. Special ritual at the third. New prayer to be told 137 times every morning for 39 days.

- Trying to make implausible explanations to my parents and relatives about my expectations and being totally unsuccessful at it.

- Being in a completely fuddled state of mind about what i want in my life.

- Listening to questions ("when are you going to get married", "what is wrong with her" - i think i have heard these a zillion times) and opinions from anybody under the sun.

- Troubling parents beyond the point of resistance and control; leading to emotional drama and blackmail.

- Fights with folks at home about maintaining a good profile picture on the matrimony website.

- Answering weird questions from parents who call regarding an alliance

- Participating with friends in discussion forums about male-female ratios in the Palghat community.

Oh what a year it was!



Brothers, Sisters, Friends and everyone else,

I am done with all this now. I am off the singles list, preparing to start a memorable journey.

The dates have not been finalized. The wedding is planned around Q1 next year. Anyway, I'll let you know.

The Hindi Class

Mahesh was more than elated. It was his first Hindi class in that term, right after quarterly exams. 11th standard was a joyous year and he was determined to take the best of every minute in being a teenager. He knew he had to attend the class in another section.

The school was quite small. The administration had opened the matriculation branch for the first time and they had been given just 3 classrooms to start with. Hindi class was a combined class. Combined - that term brought smiles into the eyes of the boys. That was the only time they could enter the girls class. Officially! Otherwise it was impossible. The girls class was sandwiched between the Principal's office and the teacher's room. Nobody could walk across, unnoticed between these two rooms. Attenders kept moving continuously between both rooms and occassionally into the girls classroom too, just to give a notice. The boys used to hate this. Sometimes, life could have been better as an attender. To get past them and take a quick look into the girls class was a big challenge. Mahesh, in fact, kept numerous bets with his friends. Pepsi at the roadside store in the evening was the most wanted.

Less than 10 minutes for the bell to ring. Science class was getting over. Mrs. Malathi was talking about Fraunhofer. But Mahesh's concentration and thoughts were completely off. He was glued to his watch. Every minute was important. Students had less than 5 minutes between each class. And especially for Hindi class, a lot had to be done. Pack just those two books and keep them ready. You dont want to carry your duckback school bag and pencil box. What will the girls think of me? One stylish writing instrument to grab their eyes. Rush to the rest room to wash your face. Tuck your shirt. Parallel trouser was the vogue then. He had stitched one very recently. One of the girls actually made a casual offhand comment. From then on, he made sure that he wore it to the Hindi Class without fail. Comb your hair properly. It was the only chance he had. He had to be impressive. The boys were not allowed to sit along side the girls on the same bench. They had to sit in different columns. But still, they were less than 2 feet away.

One glance from her and that tired look on your face? he couldnt let that happen. He quickly put some powder and tapped it into his face. Musk fragrance - he had read about it in the weekly teenage plus magazine. Musk was a fragrance that men preferred. Mahesh wanted to present that bold character in himself.

Science class got over. He was all set. Ahead of time. But still there was one thing he always wanted to do. Arrive late to the Hindi class. He thought he could make that classic late entry and do that ramp walk into his desk. But then he remembered Mrs. Vandana, his Hindi teacher, who always mandated talking in Hindi during the class and made comments in front of the girls.

"Aaj kaunsaa perfume lagaake aaye? Lip-stick lagaana bhool gaye kya?" (what perfume are you wearing today? have you forgotten the lip-stick"

"Jitna preparation tum log ladkiyon ko pataane ke liye karte ho, usse thoda kam bhi exam ke liye karte tho acchhaa rank milega." (the amount of preparation you guys do to impress the girls, if you did even half of that for your exams, you will get better grades)

It was such an embarassing moment and it wasnt just for Mahesh, but the whole boys contingent who did no want to be there in that situation to hear to all that. But still, Hindi Class was fun and memorable.