The best friend

In the 70s my dad worked for a British company (name not important). He was friends with another person who worked there. They had the same first name - Krishnan. Much later, I come to realise that this friend of my dad is also his best friend.

My dad used to go to Sabarimala every year. It ran in the family. Even now he tries to make a trip, time and health permitting. My grandfather led a group of almost 100 people to the hills in Kerala every year. From the time that I became aware of these trips, my dad and his best friend used to embark on a 2 week journey with a group of like-minded individuals. This was an every year ritual. I still remember going to those pre-journey rituals. It used to be a day long affair with Vedic chants and song recitals. Mr.Krishnan used to be the spiritual leader of the group. He always worked hard towards making sure that every trip was managed well.

Over the years of knowing each other and making so many journeys, they have become best friends. Our families also become very close. Of course, during that time, my interaction was quite limited.

As I grew up, I started understanding how amazing friends they were. My dad used to share everything with Mr.Krishnan - about family, sisters, brothers, personal problems, things about business etc. Pretty much everything under the sun I could say. He would be the go-to person for my dad - friend, philosopher, guide. Every time Mr.Krishnan called our house, he would enquire about me and my sister. They have been friends for more than 40 years I think. Mr.Krishnan is extremely spiritual and has a special aura surrounding him. Its perhaps his countless trips to Sabarimala that makes him glow like that. He has the blessings of god, an ever smiling person. He has been present for every family function of ours - big or small, doesn't matter. He is present. And all of my dad's brothers and sisters know him very well.

Mr.Krishnan is no more. It happened all of a sudden - no warnings whatsoever. I accidentally called my parents mid-week and my mom shivered on the phone while sharing the sad news. My dad was not around at home. I did not know what to say. Obviously, my dad was terribly shaken. His only friend with whom he spoke almost every week is not around any more. In that place, there is literally nothing now. I just cannot believe it. Its been a couple of days but I cannot come to terms with this. I don't know when I will.

That's when I realised that I don't have a best friend. I am almost 35 - yes literally half way or past half way. Only downhill from here and there is not a single person who knows everything about me or who wants to know everything about me. At one point, I thought I had a best friend but she sort of got married and things started drifting. No one is to blame but a large part of this problem is also me being such a closed book. I tend to bottle up things. And now, my life is just filled with a bunch of electronically active people who like and comment on what I choose to tell them. 

Mr.Krishnan's voice always echoes in my mind. His religious songs were my favourite. Even though he had so many problems in his life, he was always smiling. 

Today when I put myself in my dad's shoes, I understand how much my life sucks. I now know what it feels like when that one person to talk to is not around, what it means when you don't have someone in your life whose house you can walk into any time and just spend a few hours reflecting. I never ever had someone in my life who was like that to me. I guess, I never will. I am still chasing and perhaps living the wrong dream.